


hamilton's sinning squad

by lafgayette



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: AND EVERYONE LOVES MEMES, Crack, Everyone is Queer, Group Chat Fic, Modern AU, but with (eventual) plot!!!! incredible, fucking ding dong get the door its me a steaming heap of trash, i love to sin ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ, texting fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-07-12 21:35:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7123369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lafgayette/pseuds/lafgayette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ayengelica: RT to have Alex and his mess of a life deleted</p><p>beautifulbaguette: RT</p><p>willfightyou: RT RT RT RT RT</p><p>turdle: rt</p><p>spam: JOHN?????????? OH MY GOD????????????</p><p>beautifulbaguette: that is, how u say, Y I K E S</p><p>spam: ur fluent in english laf I swear u only say that for the Endearing French Person™ brand</p><p>beautifulbaguette: at least my branding isn’t A Mess™</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. eggs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i ran out of ham group chat fics to read and thus wrote my own bc i am a Sinner™ and Very Lonely™
> 
> your favorite revolutionaries ft. everyone else with memes and an increasingly frequent mentioning of eggs
> 
> this is the epitome of self-indulgent crack tbh with eventual plot and a steady descent into hell
> 
> what more could u want

spam – alexander Hamilton  
turdle – john  
willfightyou – peggy  
ayengelica – angelica  
mom – eliza  
macandcheeseitsme – t jeffs  
pants4ponies – herc  
beautifulbaguette – lafayette  
burrito – aaron burr

Group Chat Name: Hamilton Cries at Gay Swans

spam: IT HAPPENED ONCE!!! ONE TIME!!!! THAT IS NOT GONNA BE THE GROUP CHAT NAME FUCK OFF

The group chat name has been changed to: Sinning Squad

spam: thank you

turdle: twice, babe. you cried twice

beautifulbaguette – OOOOOOOOO BETRAYED BY YOUR OWN LOVE

spam: it doesn’t count it was twice in the SAME NIGHT stop being mean :(

willfightyou: im so glad we have an official chat to drag alex’s rat ass in now

mom: I don’t condone bullying but……who tf cries over gay swans?

spam: i was having a really rough night and it reminded me of swan lake and its so BEAUTIFUL everything is QUEER and BEAUTIFUL 

pants4ponies: remember when alex cried bc he saw two girls holding hands in public

beautifulbaguette: WHILST HE WAS HOLDING HANDS WITH JOHN

mom: literally all of his friends are queer. he is queer. his life is 86% queerness. yet if he sees a rainbow he’ll sob

spam: WTF MOM PROTECT UR SON Y R U COMING FOR ME LIKE THSI????

turdle: one time he cried during sex and i was so worried i asked what was wrong and between sobs he just sniffled “we’re…so….queer….and…..good…”

mom: LNKTYNHNGBNRNYKLTJN

ayenglica: honestly that is so #alex 

willfightyou: QUICK EVERYONE TALK ABOUT THE WORST REASON YOU’VE SEEN RAT BOY CRY

ayenglica: tjeffs smelt like cinnamon once and i quote, ‘ruined the pureness of cinnamon forever, HE HAS RUINED THE SCENT, FOOD AND MEME FOR ETERNITY'

ayengelica: cue five minutes of ugly crying

spam: my crying is not ugly thank u 

mom: he cried when we broke up 

spam: EXCUSE ME???? THAT IS SO REASONABLE

mom: IT WAS A FAKE RELATIONSHIP TO COVER UP THE FACT IM A RAGING LESBIAN

beautifulbaguette: #neverforget that one time he dropped his spaghetti and cried then continued to pick it up and finish it off 

ayengelica: RT to have Alex and his mess of a life deleted

beautifulbaguette: RT

willfightyou: RT RT RT RT RT 

turdle: rt

spam: JOHN?????????? OH MY GOD????????????

beautifulbaguette: that is, how u say, Y I K E S 

spam: ur fluent in english laf I swear u only say that for the Endearing French Person™ brand

beautifulbaguette: at least my branding isn’t A Mess™ 

willfightyou: honestly as much as im thriving roasting the walking embodiment of chaos i have a fire to set, cya!!

beautifulbaguette: is that an idiom i am unfamiliar with?

spam: no???? what???? pegs what r u talking abt

willfightyou: it’s literal

mom: PEGGY WTF

willfightyou: GTG

turdle: tag urself im an unfamiliar idiom

pants4ponies: im the fire

beautifulbaguette: im ‘it’s literal’

mom: IM HONESTLY WORRIED???????

pants4ponies: hey side note u guys know that rumour about tjeffs being able to fit four eggs in his mouth

spam: yeah i helped spread it

pants4ponies: it’s true

ayengelica: WHAT?????

spam: WHAT??????? YOU’VE BEEN CONVERSING WITH THE ENEMY???? ABOUT EGGS??????

pants4ponies sent an image: tjeffswithfoureggsinhismouthwhatthefuck.jpg

beautifulbaguette: this was supposed to surprise me??

ayengelica: JAMES IS SUCH A LUCKY MAN??????

turdle: holy SHIT?????????

mom: WHAT THE FUCK????????????

spam: look at how smug he is about being able to fit four eggs into his mouth what an arrogant fucking asshole I could fit five eggs into my mouth if i wanted to but i dont bc im not a fucking OBNOXIOUS ASSHOLE who needs to SHOW FUCKING OFF with his EGGY BITCH MOUTH like tjeffs

turdle: babe chill no one thinks less of you since tjeffs can fit four eggs in his mouth

spam: what the??? I never??? Why do you think that?? Is that what you actually think??? I literally could like I could but I don’t want to 

turdle: alexander pls

turdle: guys I think he’s gone to the kitchen to get eggs

pants4ponies: alex stop being bitter about thomas being able to fit four eggs in his mouth

pants4ponies: why is that a sentence I even have to write????

mom: okay but…HOW DOES HE DO IT? Investigate Thomas™

ayengelica: alex doesn’t have his phone on him, right john??

turdle: no i think he’s choking on eggs

ayengelica: okay good

ayengelica: not about the choking on eggs thing you should probably sort that out

ayengelica: but since he isn’t here….

mom: ANGELICA NO

beautifulbaguette: ANGELICA YES

ayengelica added ‘macaroniandcheeseitsme’ 

macaroniandcheeseitsme: What is this.

mom: this is a bad idea 

mom: like a really bad idea

mom: but…i’m…..so….curious

ayengelica: HOW DO YOU FIT FOUR EGGS INTO YOUR MOUTH

pants4ponies: teach us senpai

turdles: alex is gonna fucking kill ya’ll

beautifulbaguette: unless he dies in a tragic egg accident

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Alex is here???? Ew.

beautifulbaguette: SO HOW DO YOU DO IT

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Like you don’t know.

mom: TELL US STOP BEING CYRPTIC

macaroniandcheeseitsme: I’m not being cryptic? He literally knows what I can fit in my mouth. First hand witness.

beautifulbaguette: o shit

spam: WHAT

spam: WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK DOES THAT MEAN

spam: WHAT???????? THE???????????? FUCK???????????????????????

spam: LAFAYETTE YOU FRENCH PIECE OF SHIT FUCKING EXPLAIN YOURSELF

macaroniandcheeseitsme: I can see how you got your name, spam. That coupled with the fact no one likes you; it makes perfect sense.

spam: I’M GONNA SET YOUR ASS HAIRS ON FIRE JEFFERSON I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD

beautifulbaguette: speaking of fires, in the words of the ever-wise peggy, GTG!

spam: LAFAYETTE I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON’T EXPLAIN WHAT THE GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY IS HAPPENING IM GONNA EAT YOUR FIRST BORN CHILD

beautifulbaguette: you wouldn’t do that to George and I’s son :(

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Lafayette. Why do you have a thing for John, Alex and my own boss? Lmao is that the only reason you slept with me, to get to him? 

beautifulbaguette: DON’T

beautifulbaguette: FFS JEFFERSON 

beautifulbaguette: whaaaaaaa ?? je ne parle pas l'anglais désolé

ayengelica: what have i done

mom: i t o l d y o u s o

turdle: its like frankensteins monster

spam: oh ym god

mom: ….alex? that was…..surprising calm?

turdle: R.I.P laf, gone but not forgotten, forever in our hearts,

beautifulbaguette: mon petit lion will not kill me john i am not dead

turdle: sometimes its like i can still hear his voice, 

pants4ponies: ……u okay alex?

beautifulbaguette: alex, my beautiful friend, my bestest of best friends, my light, my life,

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Oh, was Alex unaware I sucked his best friend’s dick?

spam: YOU,

mom: UH OH

ayengelica: OHHHH SHIT

spam: PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT WHAT THE FUCK HOW DARE YOU SOIL THE GOOD AND PURE NATURE OF LAF’S COCK WITH UR EGGGY MOUTH GOT UR YOLKY BUSINESS ALL UP AND DOWN ON HIS BUSINESS YOU F U C K OF F THIS WAS CLEARLY JUST A PLAN TO INFLITRATE THE RANKS AND GET TO ME WELL NOT!!!! TODAY!!!!! SATAN!!!!!! YOU CAN SUCK LAF’S DICK, JOHN’S DICK, MY DICK, MY DAD’S DICK, GOD’S HYPOTHETICAL DICK, AND YOU STILL AINT GETTING FUCKING NO WHERE YA YOLKY ASS MOUTH CAN SUCK THE DUSTY CUM OUT OF MY DEAD CORPSE AND GUESS WHAT!!!!!!! THE ONLY THING ITS GONNA DO IS MAKE U SLIGHTLY MORE LIKABLE BC A PART OF ME WILL BE INSIDE U BUT U STILL WONT BE! GETTING!!!!!! MY!!!!!!!! JOB!!!!!! OR!!!!!!!!! FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!

macaroniandcheeseitsme has left the conversation. 

mom: you think tjeffs sucked laf’s cock to….get your….job?

turdle: what kind of job is this exactly? 

spam: OPEN YOUR EYES!!!!! HE’S TRYING TO INFLITRATE MY FRIEND GROUP TO STEAL U AND MY JOB AND MY LIFE

beautifulbaguette: yes!! EXACTLY!!!!! MON PETIT LION YOUR INTELLECT NEVER FAILS TO ASTOUND ME

pants4ponies: laf are you really gonna have alex murder tjeffs to get out of having the blame here

mom: alex please read over your messages just please think about this for one second

ayengelica: tjeffs sucked laf’s cock so laf could cross out ‘have sex with my doppelgänger’ from his bucket list honey calm down

spam: you KNEW??????????

turdle: guys please alex has literally been screaming under his breath for the past five minutes

pants4ponies: how does one scream under their breath?

turdle sent a voice message. 

pants4ponies: i should have known not to want the answer to that question

spam: I cant BELIEVE THIS you are all FAKE and tjeffs is going to steal my LIFE and my JOB and my ‘FRIENDS’ 

ayengelica: its cute u even think we’re ur friends

spam has left the group chat. 

turdle has added spam to the group chat. 

mom: guys…

spam: yes, traitor? 

mom: where the fuck is peggy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what the FUCK am i DOIGN
> 
> p.s nice comments make my day and make me cry on trains thank u


	2. EGGS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ur favourite pile of rancid garbage has returned for another instalment of Sin™
> 
> peggy returns  
> alex gets roasted  
> and: T H E GEORGE WASHINGTON JOINS THE SHIT SHOW!

willfightyou: aye what's up

ayengelica: SHE RETURNS 

mom: PEGGY!!! WHERE HAVE!!! YOU BEEN!!!! 

spam: peggy!! ur the only one here who has not BETRAYED and HURT me

willfightyou: 1. I think less of you since you can't fit four eggs in your mouth 2. I knew about tjeffs sucking laf's cock 3. does anyone have 5000 dollary doos i can borrow 

spam: UR FUCKING EVIL

willfightyou: not my fault I was staying at laf's apartment when tjeffs decided to scramble his eggs is it?? 

mom: pegs why do you need five grand? 

willfightyou: bail

mom: WHANRHT UFJC

ayengelica: PEGGY WHAT THE SWEET SHIT

beautifulbaguette: i gotchu peggy pm me xoxo

spam: what the EVER LOVING FUCK laf you wouldn't even buy me a corn dog last week FUCK YOU

turdle: i feel like imprisonment might be a bit more imperative than ur corn dog addiction alex

beautifulbaguette: he just can't help it he is weak in the need for phallic shapes

spam: firstly, john, go fuck yourself 

spam: secondly, weak in the need? 

turdle: OMG LAF THATS ADORABLE 

beautifulbaguette: what?

mom: laf my smol son its weak in the knees 

mom: my beautiful cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure

spam: what abt me ur other son?? :(

mom: suck my ass alex

pants4ponies: CAN WE PLEASE ADDRESS THE ISSUE THAT PEGGY IS IN FUCKING PRISON?

willfightyou: jail technically 

mom: PEGGY I S2G

willfightyou: laf can u actually bail me out the officer smells like beef jerky and my nan's ghost keeps telling me to buy cheetos I don't know how much longer I can take 

beautifulbaguette: yes i am coming to save u my princess 

willfightyou: u rlly wanna reduce me to a one dimensional character pivotal to the man's story line? im in jail for a reason u wrinkly egg don't make me fight you

spam: stop saying egg

beautifulbaguette: im sorry ur right i am on my way to join ur independent and empowering story arc of being an arsonist 

mom: laf seriously thank you so much for this 

ayengelica: laf pick eliza and i up on ur way to the jail so we can beat up peggy for being a PUNK ASS BITCH

turdle: peggy did u rlly get arrested for engaging in arsonist activities 

willfightyou: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

turdle: nvm ignorance is bliss 

turdle: laf be my sugar daddy 

beautifulbaguette: anything for u bby xoxo

spam: CONSIDER YOUR DICK IN PURGATORY TO REPENT FOR ITS SINS JOHN

turdle: BABE NO IM SORRY

pants4ponies: john's dick has been exiled to the Shadow Realm

beautifulbaguette: speaking of dicks: ya'll need to convince Washington to wear short shorts for me

turdle: its winter

beautifulbaguette: im sure alex can come up with a six hour speech on the necessity of george in short shorts 

spam: ghort ghorts

pants4ponies: 

spam: herc ur message is blank

pants4ponies: bc i have nothing to say to u.

ayengelica: laf u suckle on the tit of ur inheritance can't u use some of that sweet milky titty money to bribe george into wearing short shorts 

turdle: there are so many things wrong with that sentence 

beautifulbaguette: i tried but he just very politely replied "I don't know who you are but please do not make me involve the authorities" which honestly really hurt me it was a rough time in our relationship 

turdle: YOU HAVE MET OUR BOSS ONCE AND YOU WERE SO DRUNK YOU JUST BEGGED HIM TO BECOME PRESIDENT SO HE COULD DECRIMINALISE KINDER EGGS

spam: also let's not forget when laf said: "bc i have a surprise for u in my kinder egg ;)"

mom: JSJSJSE WHAT DOES THAT EVEN M EAN LAF

spam: i think im triggered by the word egg

beautifulbaguette: yes,,, that is all that occurred,,,,, professional discussion of the decriminalisation of some good ass chocolate,,,, u got me,,,,, 

spam: ???? 

beautifulbaguette: HEY EVERYONE REMEMBER HOW ALEX TRIED TO HIT ON JOHN LETS TALK ABOUT THAT 

willfightyou: I HAVE NOT HEARD THIS GIMME MORE RECEIPTS 

pants4ponies: he SWAGGERS over and slurs: "i stared into the abyss and the abyss said we should fu-kiss. touch bodily parts. hold hands. maybe gently caress- fuck shit fuckity oh shit im really sorry i shouldn't have made unwarranted sexual advances im so sorry please forgive me"

ayengelica: RMR WHEN I USED THAT AS MY MONOLOGUE FOR AN ASSESSMENT PIECE IN THEATRE STUDIES

pants4ponies: A PIECE OF FUCKING ART 

spam: i knew he was a philosophy major okay it was a strategic move it was a MISTAKE OKAY EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES LISTEN TO HANNAH MONTANA SOME TIME YOU EXPIRED FROGS

turdle: right after that apple bottom jeans came on and he started crying 

spam: that song has so many poignant connotations fuck you

mom: "dad? how did you and papa meet?"

mom: "well, son, it all started when he made a terrible sexual innuendo then sobbed to the steady beat of t-pain"

turdle: i can't wait to have kids tbh

spam: we're gonna be the best parents

turdle: wait you wanna raise kids together? why haven't you mentioned this before? babe...

beautifulbaguette: i am not 100% sure what is happening but i am positive alex has fucked up 

pants4ponies: TD;LR: LOCAL MAN TELLS PARTNER HE WANTS TO RAISE CHILDREN WITH HIM IN A GROUP CHAT FULL OF SINS, HAS ONCE AGAIN DONE SOMETHING IDIOTIC 

spam: of course i wanna raise kids together one day john

turdle: i think im going to pull an alex and cry

mom: AWWWWWWWWWW

willfightyou: ew

spam: ANY! DAMN! WAY! 

spam: I FORGOT TO TELL U 

mom: alex didn't tell us something the immediate second it crossed his mind?? it's a christmas miracle! 

pants4ponies: it's october

mom: shut your whore mouth susan

turdle: ~tIm 3 doesn't eXisT~~

spam: U FUCKING RUDE ASS RATS SUPPORT ME 

beautifulbaguette: alex r u mad bc u look like someone who listens to meghan trainer 

willfightyou: i can vividly recall the first time i saw alex and thought 'this guy looks like someone who would eat his own hair'

beautifulbaguette: the first time i saw alex he had just rounded the corner, promptly collided into me, and through panted breaths heaved out "pepe...is...a...metaphor" 

pants4ponies: I REMEMBER THAT OH MY GOD WHY WAS HE OUT OF BREATH

turdle: first time i met him i thought he was straight 

ayengelica: OOOOOOOOOH

pants4ponies: Y I K E S 

beautifulbaguette: alex u have a Straight Person ambiance 

spam: you guys r literally so mean that isn't even true it isn't is it you're just joking around it isn't true right

willfightyou: ... im officially out of jail btw! 

spam: WHY MUST YOU HURT ME I LOVE YOU AND YOU JUST THROW IT BACK IN MY FACE WITH UR UNFOUNDED ACCUSATIONS WELL GUES WHAT! U CANT HURT ME! IM ALEXANDER HAMILTON, BITCH!

turdle: he's lying there r tears in his eyes

spam: A N Y W A Y

spam: THERES A PROMOTION OPPORTUNITY TO BE WASHINGTON'S SPEECH WRITER AND ITS BETWEEN THE DEVIL AND ME 

ayengelica: some of the hardest battles r the ones fought against yourself 

spam: I MEANT J*FFERSON YOU CRUSTY TOE 

mom: are we really gonna censor his name now 

beautifulbaguette: why is john not being offered this?? he is far better at his job than either of you

turdle: herc i work in a different department im marketing for gwash’s political party ham and tjeffs r his right hand men do u not listen at all

beautifulbaguette: i only listen when george is mentioned 

spam: ST IOP CALLING MY BOSS BY JIS FIRST NAME IT MAKES HIM DAD

spam: SAD***************

spam: IT MAKES HIM SAD*********

ayengelica: u dun goofed boi

mom: i think im hav ign a stroke 

willfightyou: HAMILTON JUST CALLED WASHINGTON HIS DAD

ayengelica: DADDY KINK CONFIRMED 

turdle: this is not new info (: 

spam: JOHN 

turdle: yes baby girl?

spam: .......

spam: what if my dick joined the shadow realm too then ur dick is still in purgatory but it's in purgatory with my dick 

beautifulbaguette: ALEX IM GOING TO, HOW YOU SAY, SLIT YOUR FUCKING THROAT AND EAT YOUR FLESH 

willfightyou: i think u said it right laf

spam: I NEED YA'LL TO SUPPORT ME NOT TO FUCKING MURDER ME WHAT THE HELL????

beautifulbaguette: IF GEORGE IS ANYONES DADDY HE'S MINE 

willfightyou: now im not an anarchist but

willfightyou has added George Washington to the conversation 

willfightyou: THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE GEORGE 

willfightyou has changed George Washington's nickname to georgethecuriousmonkey

beautifulbaguette: i can b ur man in the yellow hat ;) 

georgethecuriousmonkey: are you implying the man in the yellow hat had an amorous affair with george the curious monkey

beautifulbaguette: im implying whatever u want ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

spam: NO GUYS WHAT THE FUCK

georgethecuriousmonkey: I can't see the previous messages in the chat, chill alexander

turdle: T H E GEORGE WASHINGTON JUST TOLD HAMILTON TO, AND I QUOTE, 'CHILL ALEXANDER'

georgethecuriousmonkey: why am i here

willfightyou: who's ur son: laf or ham

spam: SIR IM SO SORRY THIS IS WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE PLEASE DONT FIRE ME

willfightyou: F I R E H I M

georgethecuriousmonkey: when i use the term son it is out of honorable respectability and affability

beautifulbaguette: :(

georgethecuriousmonkey: there are exceptions

beautifulbaguette: :)

spam: anyway...sir...since you're here...about that promotion...

turdle: alex can you maybe chill for one second?

georgethecuriousmonkey: it isn't to be decided until the debate next week hamilton

spam: okay yeah i hear what you're saying but also have u considered this: j*fferson’s a DICK

georgethecuriousmonkey: you wouldn't happen to know who taped up the posters around the entire building with a picture of thomas photoshopped onto the crying green frog's face, would you hamilton?

spam: WHY DOES HE GET CALLED BY HIS FIRST NAME WTF

willfightyou: slanderous political propaganda via memes? im impressed

spam: ur validation means so much

georgethecuriousmonkey: is that an affirmation of your own guilt?

spam: NO

turdle: pro tip: think before u fucking type babe

spam: with all due respect, sir, j*fferson is a BUTT HEAD

pants4ponies: wow alex so articulate so elegant ur perfect for the speech position

georgethecuriousmonkey: does this hostility have anything to do with the egg incident?

mom: OOGOFKFJFJDJFJ

beautifulbaguette: eggs?? what?? no?? why aren't we talking about how George is my dad anymore?

georgethecuriousmonkey: later, gilbert

beautifulbaguette: :D :D :D :D :D

spam: S I R

beautifulbaguette: sir ;)

pants4ponies: uh hi sir im hercules we haven't met im not your son and i have immense respect for what you have to put up with (alex. im talking about alex)

georgethecuriousmonkey: thank you, hercules :)

beautifulbaguette: :(

spam: sir please only allowing one debate to dictate who gets the promotion is unfair

turdle: alex just wants to fight

georgethecuriousmonkey: if you believe you're in such dire need for more debates, I suggest having them online in order to avoid wasting my time

ayengelica: that was COLD

spam: i have tried sir! but he has blocked me on all of my twitter accounts PLUS we need you to moderate, sir

willfightyou: WAIT A DING DONG DOODLY MINUTE FOLKS

willfightyou: I AM A FUCKING GENIUS

willfightyou: BUCKLE THE FUCK UP, MOTHERFUCKERS! FOR! IT! IS! DEBATE! TIME!

willfightyou has added macaroniandcheeseitsme to the conversation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is just a rlly long tangent i turned into a filler chapter but u know what?????? fight me
> 
> also if there r any errors n stuff pls tell me i write these chapters on public transport and in bed at 3am crying
> 
> p.s the next chapter should be up v soon!!! nice comments give me the will to live/write thank u my kind friends


	3. eggs?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LET THE DEBATE BEGIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> E N J O Y Y O U R S I N N I N G

georgethecuriousmonkey: the issue on the table; does the American financial system need to be reviewed and altered?

georgethecuriousmonkey: personal slandering, memes of any kind and threats of mass destruction will not be tolerated 

spam: has the debate technically begun yet, sir?

georgethecuriousmonkey: technically; no

spam: J*FFERSON YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT STUCK IN THE ANUS CAVITY OF FRANCE YOU COULDN’T SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY FROM THE SNUG LITTLE CAMP YOU’VE CREATED UP FRANCE’S ASS IF YOU TRIED YOU’VE PITCHED A FUCKING TENT UP THERE FU CK YOU

macaroniandcheeseitsme: You dress like the Walmart version of me and cry too often to be mentally stable. I’ve watched you try and capture an injured bird using a small hat, only to have the bird turn out to not be injured at all, and for it to turn around and attack you. I have seen you be chased by said a bird for five minutes until diving into a pond to escape it. You are unfit to be alive, let alone make decisions about our country. Also; go fuck yourself.

spam: YOU,

georgethecuriousmonkey: OFFICIAL DEBATE BEGINS HENCEFORTH, RULES AS STATED ABOVE ARE ENFORCED

spam: UGH 

beautifulbaguette: george its hot when ur strict

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Lmao, I knew you had a thing for Washington. 

spam: wait what laf'sjust joking? its just a classic Laf Meme™? right?

georgethecuriousmonkey: state your argument, hamilton

spam: LISTEN THE FUCK UP! 

spam: THE AMERICAN FINANCIAL SYSTEM IS IN D I R E NEED OF REVIEW, THE LAST TIME IT HAD ANY SERIOUS ALTERATIONS THE MICROWAVE HADN'T EVEN BEEN INVENTED!! NOTHING PRE-MICROWAVE TIMES CAN POSSIBLY FUNCTION TO SUFFICIENTLY SERVE MODERN SOCIETY????????? 

macaroniandcheese: ‘Pre-microwave times’ is not exactly an accurate epoch. 

ayengelica: why do u kno when microwaves were invented and why do u measure other significant historical events from it

spam: firstly, j*fferson, suck my ass :) 

spam: secondly, angelica, i cant believe u have questioned my good methods on this day, approximately 70 years from the invention of the microwave,

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Shut up for once, Hamilton. For all your passionate ramblings you offer nothing. You try and defend the little guy without realising that YOU are the little guy. 

spam: UR LITERALLY LIKE NOT EVEN A FOOT TALLER THAN ME????? FUCK OFF YOU PIECE OF BOURGEOIS SHIT DON’T PRETEND LIKE U DON’T JERK OFF INTO THAT PURPLE JACKET 

georgethecuriousmonkey: watch your tone, hamilton, and remember brevity is the soul of wit

willfightyou: D E S T R O Y H I M 

turdle: babe cmon rmr u pass out if you forget to breathe just take a breath

turdle: there we go

mom: that #relatablemoment when you #forget #to #breathe

macaroniandcheeseitsme: So steadfast in your opinions, Hamilton. If only the same was to be said for your sexuality. :--) 

spam: thomas, that was a real nice declaration, but welcome to the present where biphobia is indicative of your own stupidity and ignorance and only serves to demonstrate how you are the Shit Lord of Piss Mountain, hurtling your King Shit Heaps and Fountains of Piss upon us innocent villagers,

turdle: ur own fucking ad hominem destroyed you #checkyourselffbeforeyouwreckyourself 

beautifulbaguette: OF COURSE TJEFFS GIVES HIS SMILEY A NOSE THIS IS PROOF™ HE IS THE DEVIL

turdle: and fucking watch yourself jefferson i swear to fucking god

pants4ponies: BRO U GOT A DEATH WISH BC U ABT TO DIE

mom: thomas your words are extremely hurtful and bigoted

willfightyou: tfw alex is better than u in literally every possible way so u have to attack his sexuality ://

georgethecuriousmonkey: that is definite personal slandering, thomas, and pathetic at that. one more Shit Lord episode and consider yourself effectively defeated 

ayengelica: OOOO KILL EM

beautifulbaguette: how do u say, holy fucking shit

beautifulbaguette: is anyone else kinda turned on

macaroniandcheese: Sir, it is highly unjust that Hamilton has backup whilst I have none. 

willfightyou: add ya own friends to the chat then u stank ass

ayengelica: lmao like jefferson has friends

macaroniandcheeseitsme has added thesickestjmadz

spam: welcome to the debate, maddison! i look forward to ur participation until u get a nose bleed or someone coughs in ur general vicinity and u have to go!

thesickestjmadz: debate? i get to watch you get roasted? nice

turdle: i hate that he types like one of us stop ur evil type like u have a stick of grammatical salami shoved up ur asshole

georgethecuriousmonkey: this is a debate please address the issue at hand 

spam: im sorry, sir, but the issue at hand is the pure fucking ass hattery of one thomas jefferson

macaroniandcheeseitsme: You aren’t scared to say my name now, huh?

spam: never have been, i just avoid saying it three times in front of a mirror at midnight lest you appear and torture me by talking abt your opinions

willfightyou: SOMEONE CALL THE AMBULANCE WE HAVE A FIRST DEGREE BURN

georgethecuriousmonkey: I give up

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Since you are unable to have a genuine political debate, I may as well leave.

spam: going to make some more shitty mac n cheese?

macaroniandcheeseitsme: TOO FUCKING FAR, HAMILTON. YOU’VE CROSSED A FUCKING LINE.

ayengelica: peggy is literally slamming her fists on the table egging u guys on

spam: don’t. say. eggs.

macaroniandcheeseitsme: EGGS!!!! EGGY MC EGGS A-LOT!!!! SIR EGG, MADAM EGG, SECRETARY EGG, PRESIDENT EGG OF THE UNITED EGGS!!!! EGGY OVER HERE EGGY OVER THERE EGGS ARE EVERYWHERE KISS AN EGG LOVE AN EGG HATE AN EGG EGG EGG EGG YOU MOTHERFUCKING EGG

turdle: alright well jefferson’s sanity was fun while it lasted

beautifulbaguette: i am fearing for my own life

ayengelica: the police will find our murdered bodies covered in yolk

spam: hey jefferson remember when you met the ambassador to france and said ‘je ris de votre décès’ in french when trying to say ‘je ris de votre blague'

beautifulbaguette: YOU TOLD THE AMBASSADOR YOU LAUGH AT HIS DEATH WHEN TRYING TO SAY YOU LAUGH AT HIS JOKES U NOODLE ASS

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Sweaty :) You wanna talk about fuck ups? :)

thesickestjmadz: YES DRAG HIM BABE

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Remember when I walked into your office and you were crying watching an episode of iCarly? Remember when Washington asked you to bring him tape and you thought he had said vape, and thus returned twenty minutes later with 12 of different varieties and shapes? Remember when the head of department had to use your printer, and when she asked you for the password you had to look her in the eyes and say ‘washingstonismydad’? 

willfightyou: sorry alex but those r all valid points

beautifulbaguette: tag urself im the printer password

pants4ponies: im the head of department

mom: im the 12 vapes of different varieties and shapes

thesickestjmadz: im the icarly episode

georgethecuriousmonkey: I am so fucking tired

georgethecuriousmonkey: hamilton, give your conclusion so I can resume my life and leave the horrors of the past ten minutes behind me forever 

georgethecuriousmonkey: there are some things I just don’t have to know

willfightyou: u cant swear in front of ur son/s washington :o

spam: J E F F E R S O N ;

turdle: oh fuck he’s using a semi colon he bout to Mc Freakin Lose It

spam: YOU ARE UNDOUBESTDLY THE WORST PERSON I HAVE EVER HAD THE MOTHERFUCKING DISPLEASURE OF MEETING!!!!!!!! MY SOLE PURPOSE IN LIFE, THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE, THE THING THAT FUELS MY WILL TO LIVE IS THE REMOTE POSSIBILITY THAT ONE DAY, ONE F U C K I N G DAY, TIME TRAVEL WILL BE INVENTED SO I CAN GO BACK IN TIME, CUT YOUR DAD’S DICK OFF, AND SEND IT TO FUCKING AUSTRALIA WHERE IT WILL BE THROWN INTO THE GREAT BARRIER FUCKING REEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU MUST BE OUTTA YOUR GODDAM MIND IF YOU THINK YOU WILL EVER GET THIS PROMOTION, WASHINGTON WOULDN’T EVEN GIVE U THE LAST DROPS OF HIS SAD LITTLE CUMMIES IF HUMANITY DEPENDED ON IT SO FUCK OUTTA HERE BOI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

spam: P FUCKING S YOU BROKEN CLITORIS HERE ARE IRREFUTABLE STATISTICS WHICH PROVE THE AMERICAN FINANCIAL SYSTEM IS A GOD DAMN MESS LIKE YOU

spam sent a photo: ohmygodhisfrecklesfuckityfuck.jpg

macaroniandcheeseitsme: ….

macaroniandcheeseitsme: That is a close up photo of John’s face, seemingly taken whilst he was asleep.

gerogethecuriousmonkey: and on that note, consider the debate officially over

spam: shit fuck no sorry sir wrong attachment i don’t even know how that picture got on my phone sir

beautifulbaguette: alex (trips over, pictures of john falling out of his pockets) uh shit no these aren’t mine i don’t know how they (scrambles to pick them up, hundreds more fall out) seriously i have NO IDEA hows these got here they just (thousands of pictures of john fall from his pockets) FUCK i have NO IDEA how these -

turdle: AW BABE

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Don’t mix Alexander with memes, Lafayette. You’ll taint memes.

spam: U FUCKING RUINED CINNAMON FOR ME YOU PIECE OF SHIT

macaroniandcheeseitsme: That aftershave is French and is worth more than your entire yearly income. Because it is French, from France, a place of which I adore (that place being France). 

beautifulbaguette: its such a shame u cant see my eye roll

spam: r u seeing this shit sir??? yet I’M the one who gets in trouble for failing to have brevity 

macaroniandcheeseitsme: A succinct person would have said: “yet I’m the one who fails to be brief.” 

spam: it’s such a shame you didn’t choke on laf’s monstrous dong

beautifulbaguette: i second this

spam: i hereby appeal to have jefferson sentenced to death via laf’s enormous bologna pony

pants4ponies: don’t bring ponies into this

beautifulbaguette: u jealous? u horse fucker

georgethecuriousmonkey: ENOUGH, ENOUGH!

willfightyou: jealous much sir? lmao

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Thank you, Sir. 

georgethecuriousmonkey: shut up thomas 

georgethecuriousmonkey: what do you mean thomas should have ‘choked on laf’s monstrous dong’?

willfightyou: i think he means that thomas should have choked on laf’s monstrous dong

ayengelica: OOOOO SIR U DON’T KNOW THE HALF OF IT

willfightyou: TJEFFS SUCKED LAF’S COCK

georgethecuriousmonkey: gilbert failed to mention he was with thomas

beautifulbaguette: EW EW EW EW EW NO NO NO NO NO IT WAS LIKE LAST YEAR A ONE TIME THING JUST BC I WANTED TO WATCH MYSELF SUCK MY OWN DICK N E V E R A G A I N 

georgethecuriousmonkey: ohhhhh

georgethecuriousmonkey: oh thank god

mom: AW

ayengelica: AWWWW

pants4ponies: AWWWWWWWWWWWW

turdle: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

spam: wait what am i missing? 

turdle: jesus christ alex

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Despite Hamilton’s unprofessionalism, sir, I do not believe this debate was a waste of time. It has clearly demonstrated his immaturity and idiocy. Pick me for the promotion xoxo

macaroniandcheeseitsme: I’m sorry sir I meant to pick the full stop shortcut and accidentally clicked the hugs and kisses. Pick me for the promotion.*

spam: u can hug n kiss this ASS xoxo

macaroniandcheeseitsme has left the group chat

thesickestjmadz: lmao he roasted u so good 

ayengelica: oh fuck off

ayengelica has removed thesickestjmadz from the group chat. 

georgethecuriousmonkey: I have a headache 

georgethecuriousmonkey: john and alex do not forget the function event tomorrow night 

georgethecuriousmonkey: john and alex do not fight thomas at the function event tomorrow night

spam: but, sir,

georgethecuriousmonkey: don’t fucking test me hamilton

beautifulbaguette: fjhgfukcccc kgmmmmmm

georgethecuriousmonkey: gilbert, the boys have a plus one, and since they won’t be needing to take each other I assume I’ll be seeing you tomorrow 

georgethecuriousmonkey has left the group chat

beautifulbaguette: YOU DID NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS FUNCTION?!??!?!

spam: okay but who won the debate

turdle: yes because alex and i were gonna take pegs and angelica to help execute our Master Plan

turdle: but it looks like u have to come along too or washington will murder us before tjeffs does

spam: who won the debate tho????

mom: plan??????????? JOHN WHAT PLAN?????????? WHY MUST YOU DO THESE THINGS WHEN I HAVE WORK???????????? I CANT PROTECT U

turdle: its okay, operation Jefferson Sucks Ass will be communicated via the group chat

mom: THIS IS ONLY INCREASES MY ANXIETY 

ayengelica: tbfh im so ready tomorrow is gonna be WILD

spam: hey like,,,who do u think,,,won the debate,,,,,

willfightyou: eliza we’ll call u if we need to get picked up from the police station 

spam: who do u guys think won the debate

turdle: u kicked ass baby

ayenglica:: you roasted him so well his ass hair is probably singed 

willfightyou: and tomorrow the rest of him shall b u r n

mom: oh good god

mom: what have you planned???

spam: you’ll see 

spam: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y I K E S !
> 
> this chapter was a mess but what can u do fuck barthes i aint dead bitch!
> 
> its 3am and i have school today also i found out anthony supports bernie (my son supporting my dad how beautiful) and i'd let him bludgeon me to death with one of his elbows
> 
> the microwave was invented in 1947 and i connect with danny devito on a spiritual level
> 
> nice comments make my day/night/time is a relative social construct


	4. e g g s

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ur gonna wanna know what copypastas and eggs r for this chapter

spam: YOOOOOO LOOK AT HOW GOOD MY BOYFRIEND LOOKS!!!!!

spam sent a photo: johnmybeloved.jpg 

turdle: alex ENOUGH with the sufjan stevens references 

spam: YOU LOOK!!!! SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!!! FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANT BELIEVE YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pants4ponies: that’s my boy :’’) ur doing the suit i made u proud <3

beautifulbaguette: JOHN U BEAUTIFUL PLUM

mom: my son!!!! u look so good!!!

ayengelica: YOU! ARE! KILLIN! IT!

willfightyou: A God Among Mere Mortals™

turdle: oh my god ya’ll stoghteyoin ,,,, dyj

pants4ponies: u alright john?

mom: maybe he has collected his SMARTS since he is a GOOD SON and realised this PLAN OF YOURS is DANGEROUS and thus has decided to BUY SOME ICE CREAM AND BE A KIND HUMAN INSTEAD OF GIVING ME A HEART ATTACK

willfightyou: u kno the capitalisation to emphasize a point kinda loses its emphasis when u use it repetitively 

mom: what even IS THE PLAN???

turdle: a three part MASTERPIECE to ruin jefferson's career

beautifulbaguette: my mother please rest your beautiful head i will be attending the event and i will make sure ur children do not act like naughty little ruffians 

pants4ponies: aren’t u gonna b busy seducing washington 

mom: I NEED SOMEONE TO WATCH THE KIDS U CANT DO THAT WHILE TRYNA GET DICKED DOWN

beautifulbaguette: u say ‘try’ as if it will take effort (:

mom: laf u kno i love u but what if washington isn’t like

pants4ponies: interested?

mom: i just don’t want to see laf get hurt :((

pants4ponies: he’d be crazy not to be into you laf, but you’ll be careful right?

beautifulbaguette: i am offended u question georges undying love for me however i think it very sweet u are worried

mom: <33333

pants4ponies: <3333333

beautifulbaguette: <33333333

willfightyou: alright if we’re done with the laf-is-great circle jerk we have an event to attend and a plan to initiate 

ayengelica: alex n john we’ll be at urs soon 

willfightyou: where tf did they go??

willfightyou: nvm

beautifulbaguette: to be fair john does look VERY good

pants4ponies: alex has been too busy working like a fuckin mad man to get laid recently so i doubt they’ll be long

spam: first of all, i am OFFENDED,

turdle: yo we’ll be downstairs when you pull up

willfightyou: back already???

spam: WE WERE GONE FOR TEN MINUTES IM AN EFFICIENT MAN

spam: also john looks SO GOOD 

turdle: alex y must u broadcast our sex life to our friends

beautifulbaguette: are u not the one who told us abt his daddy kink?

turdle: u kno what laf? how dare u.

willfightyou: to be fair if u talk to alex for five minutes u can tell he has a daddy kink

beautifulbaguette: OKAY TRUE

ayengelica: WE’RE HEEEEEEEEEEEERE 

mom: no please don’t go turn around go inside watch parks n rec cry in the shower just don’t DO THIS 

willfightyou: u don’t even know what we have planned

mom: that is precisely why u should not go

spam: PARKS N REC OMG

spam: WE NEED CODE NAMES

beautifulbaguette: as the french say,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,non

spam: IM EAGLE ONE

spam: ELIZA IS ‘BEEN THERE, DONE THAT’

spam: JOHN IS ‘CURRENTLY DOING THAT’

turdle: fuck yeah you are baby

spam: LAF IS ‘IT HAPPENED ONCE IN A DREAM’

beautifulbaguette: :D :D

spam: ANGELICA IS ‘IF I HAD TO PICK A GIRL’

ayengelica: ….i’ll take it

spam: AND PEGGY IS 

willfightyou: …

spam: EAGLE TWO!

willfightyou: oh thank god

mom: HOW DO I KNOW IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG??? I WANT TO FIND OUT UR SAFE FROM YOU RATHER THAN THE POLICE

willfightyou: right! i devised a strategy to ensure we know when someone is in danger without leaving any concrete evidence that can be held against us in a court of law in this chat

mom: oh good god

willfightyou: whenever one of us is in an emergency, send a copypasta to the group chat!

beautifulbaguette: i did not bring pasta?

pants4ponies: laf a copypasta is like those blocks of texts everyone reposts everywhere and turns into a meme

beautifulbaguette: OHHHHH YES MEMES

beautifulbaguette: GENIUS IDEA PEGGY

wilfightyou: alright we’re pulling up to the event, don’t fuck this up alex

spam: excuse me????

mom: alex my son she is right pls at least don’t expose urself 

spam: when have i EVER – 

spam: …fine

ayegelica: ITS TIME!!!!! PHASE ONE HAS BEEN INITIATED GO GO GO

mom: please please please be safe jefferson might be a dick but he is not a dick worthy of life long imprisonment 

spam: that is...debatable

ayengelica: POSITIONS, PEOPLE! 

ayengelica: IT HAPPENED ONCE IN A DREAM - GET TO WASHINGTON, YOU ARE TO DISTRACT HIM!

beautifulbaguette: ;)

ayengelica: EAGLE ONE - YOU STAY CASUAL! THIS EVENT IS A GOOD TIME TO CREATE CONNECTIONS AND RAISE FUNDS FOR WASHINGTON’S POLITICAL PARTY, PLUS YOU NEED TO HAVE AN ALIBI FOR YOUR INNOCENCE LATER ON!

spam: yes ma’am!!!!!!!

ayengelica: CURRENTLY DOING THAT - INFILTRATE THE ENEMY HIVE!

turdle: on it!

ayengelica: EAGLE TWO - STAY INCOGNITO! MAKE SURE NO ONE COULD POINT YOU OUT IN A LINE UP! BEGIN PREPARATIONS FOR PHASE TWO!

willfightyou: with pleasure

ayengelica: AND IF I HAD TO PICK A GIR nvm that me lmao

ayengelica: ME @ME – U MAKE SURE EVERYONE IS STICKING TO THE PLAN AND CONTROL THE CUES! 

mom: oh my god what the fuck did u guys REHEARSE this????

ayengelica: THIS HAS BEEN IN THE WORKS FOR A MONTH

spam: ever since the egg incident……everything changed after the egg incident……

ayengelica: AND REMEMBER, GANG, I WANT UPDATES! 

pants4ponies: im in bed w some hot fudge getting to watch ya’ll either pull off the best plan ever or get yourselves killed this is brilliant 

willfightyou: UGH THE RAFTERS HERE ARE SO DUSTY

willfightyou: im in position tho damn its higher up than i thought i wanna spit on alex

willfightyou: i called the hypnotist btw she is on her way now

mom: im sorry what

spam: some old lady just told me im a ‘Very Respectable Young Man’ ur right ur fucking right i do have a Straight Person Ambiance i think im gonna cry

ayenglica: NO TIME FOR TEARS!!!!!!! NO TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

turdle: Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

mom: uh okay john you do you

mom: OH SHIT WAIT COPYPASTA MEANS SOMETHING HAS GONE WRONG JOHN ARE YOU OKAY JOHN OH YMG OD 

ayengelica: JOHN WHAT IS HAPPENING 

turdle: im gonna have to infiltrate the hive via small talk with aaron burr :(

ayengelica: oh fuck u almost had me worried

turdle: I ASKED ABOUT THE WEATHER AND HE WOULDN’T EVEN TELL ME HIS OPINION ON IT

turdle: “ah, it is quite cold, isn’t it? i find myself in need of warm clothing, some thick socks, even!” cue i-ate-your-hamster-smile

spam: if anything its more of an i-ate-your-ass-for-the-first-time-and-cant-decide-how-i-feel-about-it-smile

pants4ponies: that was oddly specific 

turdle: trust me it doesn’t apply to alex home boy eats ass like he’s at the last supper

willfightyou: alex why did that old woman just back away from you in disgust 

spam: SHE SEEMED LIBERAL OKAY? 

turdle: u fuckin nerd did u give her the spiel abt how capitalism 'exploits our asses and not in the hot way'

spam: no but thank u for reminding me to whip that one out tonight 

spam: she asked if i had a girlfriend 

turdle: here we go

spam: to which i so charmingly replied

spam: "i like my women how i like my men..."

turdle: this poor old lady, a nice lil wrinkly conservative, came here for the free wine and the chance to bash a liberal event, and u just,

spam: "...that's the joke! i like both! im bisexual!" 

turdle: traumatized her

spam: tbh i dont think she knows what bisexual is i think she thought i was telling her im in a gang

pants4ponies: hamilton is out here dismantling bisexual erasure via traumatizing old women

ayengelica: NOT ALL HEROES WEAR CAPES 

beautifulbaguette: george told me to tell you to stop scarring old women 

spam: YEAH WELL I DONT GIVE A HOT GAY FUCK WHAT WASHINGTON SAYS

spam: please dont tell him i said that 

beautifulbaguette: GTG WONT BE ABLE TO UPDATE FREQUENTLY 

beautifulbaguette: GEORGE WILL GET SALTY HOWEVER HE IS ENRAPTURED WITH ME AND I AM IN LOVE 

ayengelica: GOOD, LAF!

mom: well at least laf will die a happy, dicked down man

spam: huh washington seems genuinely enraptured??? they’re standing so close wtf laf is so good at making friends 

pants4ponies: friends…….

beautifulbaguette: I am a heron. I have a long neck and I pick fish out of the water with my beak. If you do not repost this comment on 10 other pages, I will fly into your kitchen tonight and make a mess of your pots and pans. 

ayengelica: LAF WHATS WRONG

mom: LAF MY SMOL SON I AM STRESS

beautifulbaguette: I THINK I CAN SEE GEORGE’S DICK OUTLINE IN HIS PANTS 

ayengelica: …

ayengelica: that’s actually a pretty fair emergency rip laf

willfightyou: THE HYPNOTIST HAS ENTERED THE BUILDING

willfightyou: ALSO I SNEEZED AND SOMEONE WENT TO LOOK UP BUT THANKFULLY THEY TURNED AWAY AT THE LAST MOMENT

turdle: OH GOD MISSION IS UNFORTUNATELY SUCCESSFUL IM WITH BURR, TJEFFS AND MADISON TALKING ABT WORK K I L L M E 

beautifulbaguette: its 9pm and i think i am half hard

spam: i guess i’ve been successful? three old white men want to go golfing with me

turdle: is that a euphemism? 

spam: if it is i don’t wanna know what they meant by “i’ll bring my special clubs and we can do 18 holes” 

ayengelica: actually damn the hypnotist is rlly cute she's so ur type eliza

mom: im not that into women who engage in ILLEGAL ACTIVITIES

ayengelica: no seriously she's rlly sweet her name is maria and she's telling me abt her dog named sirius 

mom: ...she loves dogs? and names them after harry potter characters? 

turdle: eliza ur already in love

ayengelica: i will get her number for u

mom: THANK YOU!!!

mom: this is not me condoning ur naughtiness 

mom: this is me getting my SOUL MATES number

turdle: sweaty :)

ayengelica: LAF!!!

ayengelica: LAF YOU’VE GOTTA MAKE SURE WASHINGTON IS DISTRACTED BC IM ABOUT TO GET MARIA ON STAGE

ayenglica: LAF?!?!?! ARE YOU THERE?!?!?!!?

spam: damn he is really dedicated to this huh? im watching him and he didn’t even check his phone or need the cue he was already leaning in to whisper into washington’s ear n rub up against him like a cat?? he is crazy good at fake flirting damn

pants4ponies: alright we are sitting down to discuss laf and gwash afterwards alex u thick fucking blanket

ayengelica: INITIATE PHASE TWO!

mom: let me reiterate: what the fuck is going on

pants4ponies: its goose phase right? i have added chocolate ice-cream atop the fudge!! b r i l l i a n t 

mom: PLS TELL ME WHATS GOING ON

willfightyou: alright i have a birds eye view from up in these dusty ass rafters so i gotchu eliza

willfightyou: angelica is introducing the hypnotist on stage

willfightyou: washington is too engrossed in laf and consequently in trying to avoid a boner to notice

willfightyou: john, the incredible fucking actor holy shit mad respect dude, is jovially riling tjeffs up to volunteer to be the hypnotist’s subject

willfightyou: alex is too busy filtering between staring at john with love struck puppy eyes and glaring at tjeffs with murder eyes to really notice whats going on either

willfightyou: HE’S DONE IT! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN TJEFFS TAKES THE STAGE AS OUR HYPNOTIST'S VOLUNTEER! JOHN THAT WAS AN OSCAR WORTHY PERFORMANCE

mom: so??? 

willfightyou: i forgot to mention we gave the hypnotist some….instructions :)

mom: what did i do to deserve this

willfightyou: wtf angelica what was that last minute whispering w the hypnotist???

ayengelica: you’ll see

mom: ?????????? c o n c e r n 

willfightyou: AAAAAAND HE IS HYPNOTIZED! 

mom: to do?!?!?!?!?!

willfightyou: every fourth word he says will be replaced by ‘goose’

spam: theres no way he can get the promotion after this, he’s gonna ruin the event and his connections until i, T H E ALEXANDER HAMILTON, sweep in and save the night!

ayengelica: oh also whenever tjeffs sees alex he is gonna try to shove some eggs i gave him down his throat

spam: IM SORRY WHAT

willfightyou: FUCKING BRILLIANT ANG

turdle: thank u now i think i can handle hanging out with these assholes all night 

ayengelica: ten minutes then its onto the final phase, folks!!

beautifulbaguette: GEORGE AND I R MINGLING TOGETHER!!!! WITH THE GUESTS!!!! SOMEONE ASKED IF I WAS HIS BOYFRIEND AND HE TURNED RED AND COUGHED NERVOUSLY!!!! @GOD JE VOUS REMERCIE

spam: fuck this i cant believe i have to hide from jefferson out of EGG FEAR

spam: when will this egg horror end 

turdle: OH TYMGOFODODOD

turdle: ITS WORKGIN

turdle: HE JST TOLD A WEALTHY OLD WHITE GUY

turdle: “im looking for goose. i require a goose” 

spam: NASDWFKEBVJ HTRDBT IOWU5RY 

turdle: “good evening, Mrs Goose! may i recommend goose?”

turdle: IM WATCHING HIM DESTROY HIS OWN CAREER AND HE DOESNT EVEN REALISE 

turdle: “jesus, whats up goose ass? everyone seems goose tonight”

spam: GHRJESAKJAFGNWK 

spam: I CANT LET THE WONDER OF GOOSE MAN™ RUINING HIS OWN CAREER GO BY WITHOUT GETTING TO WITNESS IT FIRST HAND

ayenglica: ALEX U MOTHERFUCKER STAY IN POSITION 

spam: 'MOTHERFUCKER' E X C U S E M E 

turdle: make sure ur in a carpeted area bc ur abt to get guilt tripped

spam: I DONT FUCK MY MOTHER, FREUD, BC SHE IS D E A D

spam: also bc incest and necrophilia is gross but mostly because she is NO. LONGER. ALIVE. 

spam: I AM AN O R P H A N

spam: IM AN ORPHAN BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE D E C E A S E D 

spam: AS IN DEAD

spam: I JUST WANT ONE MOMENT OF HAPPINESS

spam: LET GOOSE MAN™ BE THE SURROGATE FOR THE JOY THAT D I E D WHEN MY P A R E N T S DID

ayengelica: nope

spam: FUCK U UR A CAPITALIST ANYWAY 

ayengelica: alex we literally both attend socialist meetings together

ayengelica: ALEX GET BACK INTO POSITION

ayengelica: A L E X YOU GREASY LITTLE FUCK 

mom: IM SO WORRIED ALEX BE SAFE DONT LET GOOSE MAN™ SEE U 

ayengelica: EAGLE TWO IVE LOST EYES ON EAGLE ONE I NEED UPDATES

willfightyou: jesus christ okay

willfightyou: alright eagle one is edging his way over to tjeffs, jmads, burr and john

willfightyou: for someone who can't walk for three metres without tripping over he's being pretty stealthy damn

willfightyou: he could actually pull this off

willfightyou: john is SUCH A GOOD ACTOR he just gave alex a lil wink without losing his Asshole Composure in front of tjeffs

willfightyou: OH SHIT

willfightyou: ALEX GOT FLUSTERED BY THE WINK AND TRIPPED 

willfightyou: HE JUST FUCKING FELL INTO GOOSE MAN™

willfightyou: GOOSE MAN™ HAS SEEN HIM

willfightyou: oh

willfightyou: he's just staring at him with a kind of blank look thank fuck it didnt work alex's dumb ass lives another day

mom: HOLY SHIT @ GOD THANKS FAM

willfightyou: WHAT THE FUCK IS

willfightyou: FUCK

willfightyou: GOOSE MAN™ HAS STRUCK 

willfightyou: THE FIRST EGG IS IN THE BASKET AND BY BASKET I MEAN ALEX'S MOUTH AND BY EGG I MEAN A LITERAL FUCKING EGG

mom: JOHN DO SOMETHING?!!!??!

willfightyou: he's busy laughing and trying to conceal a boner

willfightyou: john mate why is this turning you on

willfightyou: THATS TWO EGGS

ayengelica: this is what he gets for not following the fucking plan i KNEW his bitch ass would do this i KNEW IT 

willfightyou: THREE EGGS

willfightyou: GOSH DARN TOOTIN HOOTIN LADIES, GENTS AND ALL NON BINARY FOLK CAN HE DO IT???? CAN HE FIT FOUR EGGS INTO HIS MOUTH???????

willfightyou: no. the answer is no. they have all cracked and he is running away

ayengelica: U GONNA GET BACK INTO POSITION NOW MOTHERFUCKER?

spam: ...

spam: yes ma'm

beautifulbaguette: alex do u kno who CAN fit four eggs into their mouth

spam: fuck off

beautifulbaguette: TJEFFS! TJEFFS CAN! TJEFFS THE GOOSE MAN™

spam: FUCK YOU LAF

spam: pegs i can see u!!

spam: DID U JUST FUCKING SPIT ON ME

willfightyou: consider yourself blessed

spam: whatever u still look hot even up in the rafters!!!!!! incredible!!!!

willfightyou: What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills.

spam: excuse me? 

spam: O SHIT COPYPASTA RIGHT FUCK A CLASSIC™ 

ayengelica: SHIT WHATS WRONG PEGS?

mom: NOOO PLEASE BE SFAFEFE

willfightyou: IM FINE PHASE 3 WILL HAVE TO START SOONER THAN WE THOUGHT

willfightyou: WASHINGTON IS MAKING HIS WAY OVER TO YOU ALEX

willfightyou: ALEX OH MY GOD STOP STARING AT JOHN CHECK UR FUCKING PHONE

willfightyou: LAF IS REALLY TRYING TO DISTRACT HIM BUT WASHINGTON MUST HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU

willfightyou: ALEX HE IS RIGHT FUCKING BEHIND YOU 

ayengelica: SHIT SHIT SHIT INITIATING STAGE THREE GO GO GO

ayengelica: CURRENTLY DOING THAT - KEEP GOOSE MAN™ NEAR THE STAGE HE HAS TO BE THERE FOR THIS PHASE

ayengelica: EAGLE TWO - GET READY FOR THE FIRE

mom: the WHAT NOW?!!?!?!?

pants4ponies: im dipping popcorn in the fudge ice-cream this is BRILLIANT

ayengelica: EAGLE ONE - DO N O T GIVE US AWAY PL E ASE DON’T EXPOSE YOURSELF TO WASHINGTON 

ayengelica: IT HAPPENED ONCE IN A DREAM – KEEP BEING THIRSTY

turdle: my fellow comrades

turdle: no matter how this goes

turdle: i am honored to have experienced the hilarity that is Goose Man™

turdle: and to have served by your beautiful sides

turdle: THEY’LL TELL THE STORY OF TONIGHT! I LOVE YOU ALL!!! ESPECIALLY ALEXANDER!!!!

spam: u are 1 fucking cheeky kunt mate i swear i am goin 2 wreck u i swear on my mums life and i no u are scared lil bitch gettin your mates to send me messages saying dont meet up coz u r sum big bastard with muscles lol fuckin sad mate really sad jus shows what a scared lil gay boy u are and whats all this crap ur mates sendin me about sum bodybuildin website that 1 of your faverite places to look at men u lil fuckin gay boy fone me if u got da balls cheeky prick see if u can step up lil queer

turdle: what the fuck alex u fuckin rude bitch

ayengelica: JOHN U FOOL IT’S A COPYPASTA

ayengelica: WHATS THE EMERGENCY ALEX 

spam: WASHINGTON IS TALKING TO ME?!??!?!?!!?!!?!

willfightyou: oh for fucks sake

spam: HE WANTS TO HAVE A QUICK DISCUSSION WITH GOOSE MAN™ AND I

spam: GUYS SHIT WHAT DO ID O

ayengelica: CURRENTLY DOING THAT – IS GOOSE MAN™ IN POSITION?

turdle: YES MA’M!

ayengelica: EAGLE TWO – IS THE SYNTHETIC FIRE READY?

willfightyou: AIMED AND READY TO F I R E 

ayengelica: LISTEN UP! RELEASE THE FLAMES UPON GOOSE MAN™ RIGHT NOW SO ALEX CAN SWOOP IN, PRETEND TO PUT THEM OUT, PRETEND TO SAVE GOOSE MAN™ IN FRONT OF WASHINGTON, GET HIS MOTHERFUCKING PROMOTION, LAF CAN GET SOME GOOD DICK IN HIS ASS AND WE CAN MAKE IT OUT OF THIS ALIVE

spam: lets DO THIS

mom: its like watching a car crash 

mom: alright its been three minutes without updates is this good or bad???

spam: ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ raise your dongers ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ

mom: ah, the inevitable copypasta, angelica sort him out pls

turdle: ᕙ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ᕗ Harder, Better, Faster, Donger ᕙ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ᕗ 

mom: what??? john too?? PEGS WHATS GOING ON

willfightyou: ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ smell my donger sins ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ

mom: ANGELICA SAVE MY CHILDREN

ayengelica: ᕙ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ᕗᕙ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ᕗ YOU'VE COME TO THE WRONG DONGERHOOD!!ᕙ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ᕗᕙ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ᕗ

mom: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

beautifulbaguette: ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ [DONGERING INTENSIFIES] ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ

mom: EVEN LAF?!?!?!?!?!?!?

pants4ponies: FUUUUUUCK

pants4ponies: THEY'VE ALL BEEN OFFLINE FOR FIVE MINUTES

mom: WHAT DO WE DO??????????

spam: this is washington. eliza, i appreciate your attempts to stop this madness. if only they had listened. please meet me and your friends at the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to google "what do u hit balls with in golf" for this 
> 
> THIS CHAPTER'S MYSTERY SHALL SOON BE REVEALED AS MORE SIN™ IS COMING SOON!
> 
> edit: im a piece of shit! i promise a new update soon I PROMISE OKAY?!?!
> 
> until then, i wrote a Proper Lams Fic™ that kind of works as a sequel to this if u wanna read it!! (just click on my username and go to my works page, its called It's Planting Seeds In A Garden You Never Get To See)
> 
> just assume that the events in it take place like five years earlier than those in this fic please read it i promise i can write in full sentences properly


	5. 3gg$

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> remember when i said this fic would be a steady descent into hell?
> 
> well i hope ur wearing ur seatbelts bc in this chapter:
> 
> alex needs to stop exposing himself  
> Goose Man™ returns  
> aaron burr is beyond done  
> and, as someone once commented, washington just wants to go home (with laf)

mom: WE’RE STUCK IN TRAFFIC FUCKCKCKCKCKCKCKKC

mom has added georgethecuriousmonkey to the group

mom: WHATS GOING ON?!!?!?!?!

georgethecuriousmonkey: I was confused at first

georgethecuriousmonkey: but then I saw hamilton get your notifications from this chat so I unlocked his phone to read it

georgethecuriousmonkey: thank god his phone’s passcode spells out ‘john’

georgethecuriousmonkey: I wasn’t sure what had happened but after scrolling through this chat 

georgethecuriousmonkey: it would appear that the synthetic fire wasn’t so

georgethecuriousmonkey: synthetic 

pants4ponies: JEFFERSON WAS THE TARGET HERE SO WHY IS ALEX HURT THO???

georgethecuriousmonkey: well when ‘t h e alexander hamilton’ tried to ‘swoop in and save the day’

georgethecuriousmonkey: the synthetic flames became dangerous after coming in contact with his hair

pants4ponies: wait a fucking ding dong minute

pants4ponies: are you telling me

pants4ponies: alex’s hair was so fucking greasy

pants4ponies: it caught on fire

georgethecuriousmonkey: somewhat

mom: IS HE OKAY?!?!?!?!

georgethecuriousmonkey: well a flicker of a flame briefly sparked in his greasy hair

georgethecuriousmonkey: but then in a blind panic hamilton fell over and broke his arm

mom: OH MY GOD I TOLD HIM HOW IMPORTANT HYGIENE WAS I TOLD HIM

mom: WHERE ARE MY OTHER CHILDREN? 

georgethecuriousmonkey: john, when trying to rescue hamilton, was promptly and accidentally punched in the face by alex and is thus recovering from a concussion

georgethecuriousmonkey: peggy blamed the ordeal on james madison for some reason

mom: she hates people who are taller than her

georgethecuriousmonkey: that would explain why she tried to start a fist fight with him then

georgethecuriousmonkey: she was escorted out by security last I saw

georgethecuriousmonkey: angelica is unscathed (albeit, and I quote,‘my fucking dignity has been pissed on’) and is watching over john

mom: AND LAF?!?!?!?!?!!

beautifulbaguette: ur beautiful baguette has not been harmed my love

pants4ponies: im only just realising what a disgusting euphemism beautiful baguette is

georgethecuriousmonkey: gilbert if you’re anyones beautiful baguette …

spam: SiiiiirRRRRR

mom: ALEX MY SON IM ON MY WAY

georgethecuriousmonkey: gilbert I thought you were watching over him whilst I got the mcdonalds? we agreed not to let him have his phone??

beautifulbaguette: he said if i did not give him his phone he would fight me

beautifulbaguette: so i pointed out his tiny fists and he started crying 

beautifulbaguette: you have not heard the ugly wails of this man mon amour

beautifulbaguette: i had to give him it lest he choke on his own sobs

spam: thatssssss a mean thing to say u bitch ass floofy man

pants4ponies: did alex break more than his arm perhaps?

beautifulbaguette: he is extremely high on pain medication

spam: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS U BET YA ASS I AM!!!!!!!! 

spam: YOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE NEED A FAMILY REUNION!!!!!!!! WE A LIL DYSFUNCTIONAL THAT OKAY CUZ MY PARENTS DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

georgethecuriousmonkey: gilbert take the exclamation mark button away from him its giving me a headache

beautifulbaguette: im TRYING but he has sharp little teeth the fucker

spam: r u guys my parents now? THATS GAY 

georgethecuriousmonkey: we arent your parents hamilton 

beautifulbaguette: george lets adopt him

georgethecuriosmonkey: he's a twenty two year old man, gilbert

beautifulbaguette: dont talk to me or my son ever again

mom: alex honey why don’t you sleep?

Spam: I HAVE GAYS we NEED THE REST OF THE FAMILY~~!!!

spam has added macaroniandcheesitsme, thesickestjmadz and burritscoldinhere to the chat

mom: ALEX NO

spam: who alex? ill kkicik his ASS

pants4ponies: LAF WYD GETCHA HEAD IN THE GAME

georgethecuriousmonkey: GILBERT PLEASE CONTROL HIM

mom: LAF STOP THIS MADNESS

spam: Laf’s dead.

georgethecuriousmonkey: excuse me?

spam: Haha just kidding. Laf isn’t dead I put his phone in my pants. Isn’t it fun when I write like this? Sometimes when I’m alone I think about the possibility of befriending a shark and naming him This Big Titty. Whenever someone reports on a shark attack involving him the news headline will read: This Big Titty Attacks Local Man. This Big Titty Terrorises Local Beach. Woman In Critical Condition After Incident With This Big Titty. This Big Titty and I would be a crime fighting duo. This Big Titty will save the world.

pants4ponies: i cant do this

burritscoldinhere: Would someone kindly explain what is going on?

spam: u can scroll up fam family we are family ur my uncle burr but like an attic uncle ur the boo radley of emotions/opinions leave me a gift in the tree u cheap lizard fuck

macaroniandcheeseitsme: I haven’t left goose chat yet, because goose waiting for a goose. 

spam: look everyone jefferson is high too

macaroniandcheeseitsme: I don’t understand goose. Why am I goose? 

spam: he’s having an existential goose crisis

pants4ponies: tjeffs scroll up bro

macaroniandcheeseitsme: YOU HAD A GOOSE HYPNOTIZE ME???? WHY GOOSE WHEN TEXTING?? SIR GOOSE YOU CAN’T LET GOOSE THIS.

mom: ohhhhh no

georgethecuriousmonkey: jesus h. christ 

spam: the h in his name stands for hoose. like goose. but with a h

georgethecuriousmonkey: hamilton, I need you to tell me how to get jefferson out of the goose hypnotism

georgethecuriousmonkey: considering yourself lucky I haven’t fired you

georgethecurioumonkey: yes, that was a threat

macaroniandcheesethatsme: And a good goose at that alone, Goose. 

spam: Gesus G. Ghrist

pants4ponies: im literally about to piss my pants

burritscoldinhere: I still don’t understand why I’m here?

spam: one time i dreamt u shot me and i was so mad i took all the wheels off ur wheely chair in the office

spam: how fucking dare you shoot me

spam: what kind of uncle does that?

spam: im literally crying rn

spam: why would you hurt me like that uncle burr

burritscoldinhere: Sir, Hamilton is acting odder than usual and I am disinclined to experience it any further. May I leave this chat? 

georgethecuriousmonkey: please just stay put for now burr im trying to get everything sorted I’ll need your account of what happened soon 

macaroniandcheeseitsme: WHY ARENT YOU GOOSE? IM GONNA FUCKING GOOSE YOU HAMILTON. YOU GOOSE RUE THE DAY GOOSE DID THIS TO GOOSE. FUCK.

pants4ponies: img hagivn s troke

georgethecuriousmonkey: eliza, please, can you help me contact the hypnotist? didn't angelica get her number for you?

mom: ah she was yet t pass it on

mom: we’re pulling up now i’ll get her to check the chat and help you tho

georgethecuriousmonkey: thank you, eliza

spam: WHERE. IS. MY. MCDOOOOOOOONALDS.

spam: oh my god

spam: ur not coming back are u

spam: my dad’s left me

spam: AGAIN

thesickestjmadz: alex ur daddy issues are showing

georgethecuriousmonkey: hamilton please gilbert and I aren’t your fathers 

georgethecuriousmonkey: do you want a boy or girl happy meal?

spam: GENDER DOESN’T EXIST

georgethecuriousmonkey: im aware but I don’t think the cashier cares hamilton

georgethecuriosmonkey: racing car or mermaid toy?

spam: MERMAID TOY!!!!! THANKS DAD!!!!!!!

georgethecuriousmonkey: don’t call me dad

ayengelica: jesus whats the issue why is eliza hassling me?

spam: that’s gesus* to u

ayengelica: what the fuck did i miss? gilbert and washington have adopted alex and jesus is a goose? 

macaroniandcheeseitsme: YOU! YOU DID GOOSE! GET RID OF GOOSE IMMEDIATELY!!!!

ayengelica: AND GOOSE MAN™ RETURNED??? EXCELLENT

turdle: GOOOOOOOOOOOOSE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN™

pants4ponies: is john high too?

ayengelica: no he’s just recovering from his concussion since he got punched in the face by alex

spam: john john im so sorr yi love u

turdle: its okay i forgive u u cheeky fuck

spam: no reall y im orry marry me

turdle: what

spam: what?

pants4ponies: ya’ll gonna send me to a fucking early gr a ve

georgethecuriousmonkey: im so tired angelica please contact the hypnotist

georgethecuriousmonkey: also where is gilbert? im coming back to the hospital now

spam: Laf’s dead.

turdle: how he die

spam: This Big Titty

turdle: rip laf This Big Titty hath usurped thee

spam: ALL HAIL THIS BIG TITTY, PRINCE OF DENMARK!

turdle: PRINCE OF DEMTITTIES!

macaroniandcheeseitsme: You’re both as goose as each other. 

georgethecuriousmonkey: angelica im three seconds away from asking this uber driver to swerve into oncoming traffic please at least help me resolve one issue

ayengelica: and what issue is that, sir?

georgethecuriousmonkey: don’t make me say it

ayengelica: i have no idea what you’re talking about :)

georgethecuriousmoneky: help me resolve the issue of Goose Man™

ayengelica: adding the hypnotist now!

ayengelica has added thescarletletter to the chat.

ayengelica: maria? 

thescarletletter: uh 

thescarletletter: yes?

mom: i love ur nickname

thescarletletter: HOW GOOD IS THAT BOOK

mom: THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!

macaroniandcheeseitsme: PLEASE FIX MY GOOSE IMMEDIATELY. YOU’RE LUCKY GOOSE DON'T SUE. 

thescarletletter: huh angelica's right he really is an asshole

turdle: hey maria huge fan really love ur work Goose Man™ is incredible A+ 

georgethecuriousmonkey: please undo the hypnotism please 

thescarletletter: why? he seems deserving of it tbh

thescarletletter: also, its hilarious, why would you want to undo it?

georgethecuriousmonkey: if I want to save what I can of the function event you had a part in ruining tonight I need all of my extremely important staff tomorrow ready to work, two of which are currently off their faces and one of which cannot stop fucking saying goose. im currently in an uber with a driver who smells like the human embodiment of sadness with six happy meals and a thumping headache. my boyfriend, the only relief from this hell, is unavailable to talk to as his phone is down the pants of one of my employees that is insistent upon revealing his fantasies about This Big Titty, an imaginary shark.

thescarletletter: …

thescarletletter: that's fair enough

thescarletletter: is Goose Man™ at the hospital?

georgethecuriousmonkey: the happy meal with the cheeseburger he demanded to have no meat, cheese or pickles on it is for him, so, yes

thescarletletter: ill get the details from angelica and see u soon

thescarletletter: save some fries for me

georgethecuriousmonkey: thank you

spam: wait i am confusion

turdle: hi confusion im dad

spam: no john not now we’re in public

pants4ponies: in case anyone was wondering, i didn’t piss myself, but instead have thrown up from laughing so hard

pants4ponies: thank fuck for hospital barf bags tho

mom: alex whats wrong?

spam: washingdad said that his boyfriend's phone was down my pants but only lafs phone is down my pants???????

ayengelica: herc’s strangled sob of ‘washingdad’ will be forever ingrained into my memory

georgethecuriousmonkey: im gonna retire I swear to fucking god this is it this is what does it

mom: alex honey why don’t you turn your phone off and save washington’s mental and physical health? 

spam: wait a fucking

spam: MY DADS ARE DATING?!?!!?!?!??!

georgethecuriousmonkey: not your dad/s

burritscoldinhere: The more this conversation advances the more I am absolutely sure this is not a normal interaction amongst employees.

thesickestjmadz: shhh burr im getting some good screenshots to drag alex w rn

mom: fuck alex PLEASE you're kicking ur own ass right now

spam: WASHINGTON AND LAF ARE DATING???????? WHAT THE FUCK??????????

georgethecuriousmonkey: he….he cant seriously be this surprised can he?

pants4ponies: alex’s always smashing expectations 

spam: does this mean This Big Titty is my cousin?

ayengelica: what kind of fucked up family tree would have washington and laf’s relationship result in your imaginary shark named This Big Titty being your fucking cousin?

turdle: it would mean that one of laf's or gwash’s siblings has a kid that is the shark, aka This Big Titty: usurper of thrones and Prince of Demtitties

ayengelica: oh fantastic the imaginary shark has a formal title and family relations now

georgethecuriousmonkey: will someone PLEASE go into his room and stop him?? and free gilbert??

mom: he’s not allowed more than one visitor and the nurse just gave us a filthy look when we tried to explain

pants4ponies: including This Big Titty the imaginary shark in the explanation probably didn’t help eliza

turdle: that is This Big Titty: usurper of thrones and Prince of Demtitties to you

spam: also my cousin

georgethecuriousmonkey: why couldn’t I have employed mentally stable people

burritscoldinhere: Right here, sir.

spam: wait not even john can visit me??

mom: if you give laf his phone back he can!

spam: WHAT WHY?!?!?!?!

mom: to see john laf needs his phone alex the hospital said so! wouldnt it be nice to give it back?

spam: ILL FIGHT THEM

spam: I BET ITS BECAUSE WE R GAY ISNT IT

spam: THEY R LIKE BOO! GAYS! AND IM LIKE??? FIGHT ME???

georgethecuriousmonkey: not everything is political hamilton its hospital policy please

mom: alex if you return gilbert’s phone we can organise a rotation system and you can see john! doesn’t that sound good?

spam: UR OPPRESSING ME

spam: MY OWN FATHER -

georgethecuriousmonkey: im. not. your. father.

thesickestjmadz: im putting these screenshots in a folder entitled: "Daddy Issue: The Evidence"

pants4ponies: i dont agree with ur motives but hmu w those pics

georgethecuriosmonkey: hamilton I will be responsible for your murder if you don’t give gilbert his phone back

spam: ...

beautifulbaguette: MY GOD THANK YOU MON AMOUR

beautifulbaguette: I MAY NEVER RECOVER FROM THE TRAUMA OF WHERE MY PHONE HAS BEEN

beautifulbaguette: AND THE SHARP LITTLE BITE MARKS ON MY NOSE STILL STING

beautifulbaguette: BUT YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM MY IMPRISONMENT IN THE CORNER

beautifulbaguette: ill repay u later ;)

pants4ponies: okay firstly this is a family group chat and secondly

pants4ponies: imprisonment in the corner?

beautifulbaguette: alex forced me to stand in the corner

beautifulbaguette: or he would 

beautifulbaguette: ah how do i say this gently

beautifulbaguette: shove my phone up his ass

mom: jesus alex is merciless when he’s off his face

georgethecuriousmonkey: gilbert im arriving now i think its best we keep john and alex separated for their own good

spam: thats mean im reporting u to god

turdle: babe wtf dont be a snitch

burritscoldinhere: Please, sir, when may I be free of this hellish chat?

macaroniandcheeseitsme: When will my goose be fixed?

spam: whats the plan sir

turdle: yeah we're waitin for ur orders sir

ayengelica: it's less of a dysfunctional family, more of a dysfunctional army

mom: aw i think its sweet

georgethecuriousmonkey: I can't say this is how I imagined what my career would be like

georgethecuriousmonkey: firstly, we wait for everyone to return to their normal mental states (hamilton isnt high, john is recovered, jefferson is rid of Goose Man™)

georgethecuriousmonkey: secondly, I gather everyone's accounts of this evening to understand what clearly happened tonight

georgethecuriousmonkey: thirdly, im hypothesizing that an apology from a certain greasy haired man will be in order

georgethecuriousmonkey: then, and only then, can you leave this chat and this night behind us

burritscoldinhere: The horrors I’ve read tonight will haunt me forever, sir.

beautifulbaguette: the fourth step is for you to enforce in private ;)

burritscoldinhere: Case in point.

turdle: aight sounds rad br0

spam: okay but when do i get to meet with This Big Titty: usurper of thrones and Prince of Demtitties?

georgethecuriousmonkey: in fucking hell hamilton

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i...i dont even know what to say
> 
> mon amour means 'my love'
> 
> the idea of This Big Titty gave me stomach pains from laughing sm hence it made its way into this fic as all my other worrying thoughts do
> 
> this chapter was a mess i lost count of how many times washington said ‘please’ out of tired and on-the-verge-of-murder desperation
> 
> more regular updates coming soon!! i also have an Actual LAMS Fic™ posted if u wanna read that! tell me what u think pls This Big Titty needs ur comments for sustenance


	6. e to the g to the g to the s

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sometimes i read back over previous chapters of this fic and im like how in the ever loving fuck could it get more ridiculous than this?
> 
> then i write a chapter like this and i remember that my capability for Sin is Endless

spam: i wrote a poem about jesus 

georgethecuriousmonkey: gilbert i thought the pain medication was wearing off a little?

beautifulbaguette: oui it is he hasn’t cried in two hours it is a record

spam: im trying to appreciate our nonexistent daddy entity ya rude ass

mom: yes alex im very excited to hear your poem

pants4ponies: it better not be one from “call outs: a collection of poems” otherwise i s2g 

beautfiulbaguette: you are just annoyed that alex found thirty seven rhyming phrases for ‘horse fucker’

turdle: I WANT TO HEAR THE POEM MY BEAUTIFUL BOYFRIEND WROTE!!!!

georgethecuriousmonkey: angelica i thought you said the concussion had passed?

turdle: it has sir i just really love alex 

spam: I LOVE U TOO BITCH

beautifulbaguette: success! john said something nice about alex and he didn’t get weepy! that is unusual even when alex is sober

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Where is the goose? I want to goose fucking home. 

ayengelica: maria is on her way hold ur geese 

spam: YA’LL!!!!!

pants4ponies: alright alright we’re listening 

spam: picture me reciting this as fog obscures the stage and my dress made of that rat man jefferson’s tears blows gently in the wind 

pants4ponies: i'd rather not

spam: jesus in stilettos  
jesus in a boat  
jesus in jerusalem  
petting a goat

chist, christ in you  
that holy spirit boi i can feel it too

jesus’s daddy issues were cripplin’  
you know cuz he was always freudian slippin’

jesus makin pancakes  
jesus in the shower  
jesus licks a homeless man  
he smells like cauliflower

ah, ah, achoo  
bless you friend  
pray for corbin bleu

pants4ponies: pray for corbin bleu???

spam: aint nothing wrong with him just him and his boyfriend ryan were cruelly left non-canon despite a sensual baseball dance in hsm

turdle: BEAUTIFUL!!!!

jmadzthescikest: tbh alex that’s better than any of the shit u write for work

mom: good work alex!! thats ur magnum opus 

georgethecuriousmonkey: am i the only one still battling with the phrase ‘daddy entity’?

ayengelica: when ur friends w alex for this long you get desensitized to that kind of sin

turdle: alex babe how are you typing so quickly with only one hand? isn’t the other in a cast? 

spam: there’s a lot i can do with one ham john ;) 

turdle: i regret asking 

spam: shit fugk HAND****** I MEANT HAND

jmadzthesickest: this just in: hamilton fucks hams

jmadzthesickest: HAMilton

georgethecuriousmonkey: hamilton you’re uninvited to christmas dinner 

spam: FUCC U GUYS IMMA NAP

beautifulbaguette: FUCK MY ASS WITH A RUSTY CHAINSAW ALEX HAS FALLEN ASLEEP!! FINALLY!

turdle: laf did ur english goof up again?

beautifulbaguette: that is a perfectly fine expression of speech thank you john and if you disagree i believe there is a rusty chainsaw waiting to be shoved up an ass

turdle: what a beautiful expression of speech!

beautifulbaguette: more rusty chainsaws for me!

burritscoldinhere: Please, sir, how do I turn off notifications?

beautifulbaguette: have u tried shoving a rusty chain saw up ur ass

thescarletletter: WHATS UP IM AT THE HOSPITAL!!!!

macaroniandcheeseitsme: ABOUT FUCKING TIME, GOOSE THIS IS ALL GOOSE FAULT.

ayengelica: NOOOOO I DON’T WANT GOOSE MAN™ TO GO :(

georgethecuriousmonkey: maria, please fix thomas then come and see me i have fries for you

thescarletletter: ur the tru mvp

beautifulbaguette: alex must have smelled drama because he has woken up to fight

spam: SIR PLEASE CANT GOOSE MAN™ STAY???? im an orphan

georgethecuriousmonkey: no hamilton

georgethecuriousmonkey: however its good to see that you’re sober enough for guilt tripping 

beautifulbaguette: mon petit lion is back to his normal mess of a self! no more imaginary sharks dieu merci

spam: ah sorry about before sir i was a bit delusional (please don’t fire me)

ayengelica: 'This Big Titty' is enough of a reason to fire him tbh

pants4ponies: ‘gesus g. ghrist’ is enough of a reason for him to be shot tbh

spam: ur all so MEAN and TRAITOROUS

jmadzthesickest: poor tragic alex :((((((((((( so sad :(((((((((((((( 

spam: my LIFE is a tragedy 

spam: madison is banquo, jefferson’s mcduff, and birnam wood is um

jmadzthesickest: your-own-inability-to-shut-the-fuck-up on its way to dunsinane?

turdle: wait wait

turdle: does this make me lady macbeth?

spam: yes <3

jmadzthesickest: is this alex’s idea of romance

turdle: yes :/

spam: ur boyfriend isnt exactly the epitome of romance madison unless u consider fucking off to france a sign of true love

turdle: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GET WREKT M8

jmadzthesickest: alex is just bitter bc he wouldn’t get past act 1 of macbeth

turdle: *goes to murder the king* *trips into him* *gets four eggs shoved in his mouth*

spam: WHO’S SIDE ARE YOU ON!?!?!??!!? DONT BRING EGGS INTO SHAKESPEARE

turdle: “What, you egg!” (Act IV, Scene II)

spam: FUCK

thesickestjmadz: WHO’S THE BETRAYED BANQUO NOW BITCH

spam: in the ever wise words of peggy: GTG!

ayengelica: Classic Peggy Memes™

turdle: its okay alex if anything ur more hamlet 

spam: YAY HAMLET

jmadzthesickest: i can see the similarity in both their daddy issues

beautifulbaguette: the lack of new memes being produced in this chat makes me sad

spam: wtf are u the meme boss???

beautifulbaguette: yes! i distribute and exploit the memes you produce!

spam: THE PROLETARIAT CAN DISTRIBUTE THEIR OWN MEMES U BOURGEOISIE PIECE OF SHIT

beautifulbaguette: NO!! I WILL FOREVER EXPLOIT YOU FOR YOUR MEMES!!

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Now I’m able to type without my small geese impediment, I’d like to formally threaten Hamilton and provide a wholesome and hateful ‘fuck you’ to all those involved in your little plan. 

spam: NOOOOO

turdle: u were SO much more likable as Goose Man™

ayengelica: THE END OF AN ERA

thescarletletter: sorry guys but these fries r fucking delicious

turdle: you’ve fucked up a perfectly good Goose Man™ is what you did. look at it. its got coherent.

macaroniandcheeseitsme: You shall rue this day, Hamilton.

spam: tuck a napkin into ur collar and eat my entire unapologetic ass fucko

georgethecuriousmonkey: I am formally naming my headache hamilton

georgethecuriousmonkey: since you’re all as sane as you ever will be, lets begin piecing together what happened last night

ayengelica has left the chat

georgethecuriousmonkey has added ayengelica to the chat

georgethecuriousmonkey: I'm one mention of This Big Titty away from murder angelica please just get this over with

burritscoldinhere: Shall I just send my account of the events and leave the chat then, sir?

spam: OMG BURR NO

spam: LETS ACT OUT WHAT HAPPENED LIKE AS A SCRIPT OR A ROLEPLAY

spam: THIS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA AWWWW YIIIIIIF

burritscoldinhere: I’m not going to roleplay yiffing with you, Alex.

beautifulbaguette: ALEX IS A FURRY 

spam: YIIIIS* I MEANT AW YIIIIIS PL E A SE

ayengelica: i bet his fur persona is named Questionable Life Choices

georgethecuriousmonkey: yiff? furry? fur persona???? 

spam: this week on: words i never want my washington to say ever again

beautifulbaguette: GEORGE MY LOVE LET ME TEACH U ABT FURRIES

turdle: alex y aren’t u romantic for me like that :/

beautifulbaguette: “In the simplest sense furries are fans of anthropomorphic animals. That is, animals with human like features or tendencies (Fox McCloud, Sonic the Hedgehog... etc) pretty much all furries will create their own character or "fursona" for use as an art model and roleplaying.”

georgethecuriousmonkey: so basically…. grown men dress up as a creepy looking animals? 

beautifulbaguette: my boyfriend is so smart :’) 

beautifulbaguette: now YIFFING is defined as

burritscoldinhere: I just want to leave this chat. That’s it. That’s all I want. I don't wanna be in the room where this happens.

beautifulbaguette: “refers to cyber sex between two or more members of the furry fandom.”

beautifulbagutte: used in a sentence:

georgethecuriosmonkey: that’s really not necessary gilbert

beautifulbaguette: “The anthro fox smiled at the mass of horny furres, knowing that a good yiffing session would soon follow.”

mom: RT to have this group chat destroyed by a meteorite 

georgethecuriousmonkey: RT

pants4ponies: rt

ayengelica: rt!!

burritcoldinhere: RT RT RT!!!!! RT!!!!!!!!!!!!! RT!!!!

georgethecuriousmonkey: you’re not…you’re not into that are you?

mom: meteorites? 

georgethecuriousmonkey: I was talking to gilbert about furries

spam: this week on: words i never want my washington to say ever again, the sequel

beautifulbaguette: MON CHERI HOLY FUCK NO DO I LOOK LIKE ID WEAR A FEDORA TO YOU

ayengelica: rmr when alex was 13 and wore a fedora for a month straight 

jmadzthesickest: PICS OR IT DIDNT HAPPEN

spam: ANYWAY!!!!!

spam: LETS ACT OUT THIS EVENING’S EVENTS

spam: ILL BE ALEX

burritscoldinhere: You are Alex.

spam: rude??? i didn’t know u were auditioning for the role of jefferson :)

pants4ponies: Hercules sits in his bed, eating some brilliant fudge. He is excited as the plan is announced to begin and his fudge is really good.

macaroniandcheeseitsme: What.

pants4ponies: im telling the story of tonight 

turdle: for someone who’s dramatic enough to cry over and hold a funeral for a burnt jacket u sure aren’t into this huh fuckerson

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Meanwhile Thomas charms the guests at the event, alongside James and Aaron, whilst Alex presumably washes his hair in the fryers at McDonalds. 

georgethecuriousmonkey: why are you all like this

spam: Alex enters the building, immediately flinching as he comes into contact with the douche bag particles that have been rudely ejaculated into the air by Jefferson’s crusty douche bag dick.

georgethecuriousmonkey: im all for creativity but if you’re really going to do it this way stick to the facts hamilton

beautifulbaguette: The plan is initiated, and Lafayette walks over to George, following the literal beams of sun that burst from him.

georgethecuriousmonkey: gilbert I appreciate the compliment truly I do but you’re encouraging them

beautifulbaguette: The plan is initiated, and Lafayette walks over to George, following the scent of betrayal.* 

georgethecuriosmonkey: okay okay im sorry please continue 

ayengelica: Angelica, the mastermind of the plan whom should not be held accountable for it going badly as it was not her fault, gets everyone into position.

burritscoldinhere: Surely this can’t be normal? When faced with internal conflict the opposition mayoral government has a police investigation, not an intervention for Hamilton’s lack of hygiene? 

jmadzthesickest: OOOO SOMEONE GET SOME COLD WATER BC THAT BURNED LIKE ALEX’S GREASY HEAD

spam: John joins Thomas, Aaron and Madison. He infiltrates the trio of evil. Also known as the political equivalent of the Inquisitorial Squad. AKA The Three Little Pigs. The Three Nasty-teers. The Three Stooges. Destiny’s Rats. The three witches from Macbeth. The Three Terrors. The Ugly, the Uglier, and the Ugliest.

turdle: THEM THE FACTS WASHINGTON SIR!!!

georgethecuriosmonkey: you cant hear me but rest assured I just let out a long suffering sigh

thescarletletter: its true he did

thescarletletter: OH I WANNA JOIN IN

thescarletletter: Maria enters the building, and following Angelica’s instructions, takes the stage. The one with the shit eating grin volunteers to be hypnotized. I hypnotist him to have every fourth word he says (and apparently types damn im good) replaced by ‘goose’, and to shove four eggs into Alexander’s mouth if he saw him.

georgethecuriosmonkey: why did thomas volunteer for this? 

macaroniandcheeseitsme: I was unaware of what the hypnotism would entail was and was manipulated to volunteer by John, sir. 

turdle: ALLEGEDLY manipulated by me

georgethecuriosmonkey: am I missing something?? why would thomas be okay with talking to john??? don’t you hate john?? you all have some daytime drama television shit going on and I cant keep up

turdle: yah next thing you know alex is pregnant with burr’s baby but when he gives birth the baby is actually jefferson and jeffersons real pro-creator isn’t burr at all its burrs EVIL TWIN

burritscoldinhere: Talk less.

macaroniandcheeseitsme: John was acting like a different person and thus was likable enough for us to converse.

turdle: i committed the ultimate blasphemous lie and told chuckofucko here that he was as worthy as Space Jam, a 1996 American live-action-animated sports comedy film starring basketball player Michael Jordan and featuring the Looney Tunes cartoon characters, 

macaroniandcheeseitsme: YOU TOLD ME SPACE JAM WAS AN INCREDIBLE FRENCH FILM THAT HAD WON A MULTITUDE OF AWARDS. 

turdle: IT DESERVES A MULTITUDE OF AWARDS BRO!!!!

spam: #JusticeForSpaceJam2k16

pants4ponies: honestly that movie is SO UNDERRATED 

ayengelica: WHERE!! IS!! ITS!! OSCAR!!

beautifulbaguette: #JUSTICEFORSPACEJAM2K16

georgethecuriousmonkey: and what happened after the hypnotism?

ayengelica: Angelica admires how smoothly phase one went, until Alexander comes along and decides to make yet another Questionable Life Choice. He attempts to sneak over and experience the eight great world wonder of Goose Man™, trips, and promptly has four eggs shoved into his mouth.

pants4ponies: tbh jefferson shoving eggs into alex's mouth would work as a performance piece in a modern art exhibition 

georgethecuriousmonkey: that’s why Hamilton smelt like yolk when I was talking to him later then

thescarletletter: (Exeunt Maria and a stolen bottle of vodka from the fancy bar.)

beautifulbaguette: George approaches Alex, despite my attempts at distraction.

georgethecuriousmonkey: wait

georgethecuriousmonkey: is that all last night was? you trying to distract me?

beautifulbaguette: fuck NO is there a word in english that means “that is absolutely false and i would rather die than have you think that because my actions towards you were secondary to the plan”

georgethecuriousmonkey: I think that suffices :)

mom: AWW

spam: nope. still weird.

beautifulbaguette: tut tut mon petit lion i thought we were ur fathers?

spam: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK PLEASE DONT I WAS HIGH AS SHIT LET ME LIVE

beautifulbaguette: language! 

ayengelica: washington sir laf was actually roped into the plan last minute and we kind of just had to give him something to do so 

spam: it was…unfortunately genuine

beautifulbaguette: how dare you speak to ur father like that

ayenglica: laf please john is jealous

burritscoldinhere: Can we please just get this over with so I can begin repressing it?

spam: Washington, sir, begins to talk to me and I send out an emergency copy pasta. The final phase is initiated and the fire is aimed. However, Jefferson ruins it just like he does with EVERYTHING, and upon seeing Washington and I talking decides to join in.

turdle: John watches, unable to do anything, as Jefferson talks to Washington and rudely ignores Alex. When he does finally sees Alex, he begins to shove eggs down his throat. Alas, he is eggless, and is instead pantomiming violently shoving eggs into Alex’s mouth.

georgethecuriousmonkey: im distressed at this but also relieved it wasn’t thomas trying to sacrifice hamilton like I initially thought

spam: when u think abt it that was so deep 

spam: the eggs were a metaphor

turdle: brilliant ur the next nietzsche

pants4ponies: or john green

pants4ponies sent an image: singleeggsmokingacigarette.jpg

pants4ponies: ~~it’s a metaphor~~

spam: ur the fuckin sonic of photoshop great googly moogly how the fuck

georegtecuriousmonkey: you kids and your discourses

georgethecuriousmonkey: please continue the retelling

ayengelica: Peggy shoots the synthetic fire, but since Jefferson is in the midst of shoving invisible eggs into Alex’s mouth, Alex gets in the way of the shot. The spark in his hair flickers, he punches John and breaks his arm.

georgethecuriousmonkey: and that’s how I ended up in hospital at 11pm with a hypnotist eating fries next to me and a headache called hamilton

turdle: we told the story of tonight :’)

burritscoldinhere: Sir? Now can I?

georgethecuriousmonkey: close the door on your way out

burritscoldinhere has left the group chat

macaroniandcheeseitsme: I believe Hamilfuck owes me an apology. 

spam: i believe this jizz inhaling gerbil fucker owes the earth an apology for existing

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Anyone who has ever loved you was wrong.

turdle: BOI IF YOU DONT

beautifulbaguette: jefferon is just bitter bc the smartest thing to come out of his mouth was my dick

ayengelica: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLY FUCK

pants4ponies: S N A T C H E D 

spam: HE DID THAT!!!!!!!!!!

georgethecuriousmonkey: thomas is right

georgethecuriousmonkey: so is gilbert but

georgethecuriousmonkey: you do owe him an apology hamilton

macaroniandcheeseitsme: I’ll have the nurse show me up to your room so you can apologize face to face.

spam: TF UR FLUTE DOUCHE ASS DOING AT THE HOSPITAL

macaroniandcheese: I’ve been waiting. 

turdle: isn’t that burrs thing?

spam: how dare u steal burr’s Brand™

georgethecuriousmonkey: gilbert could you leave alex’s room so thomas can go in, get his apology, and we can all go home?

beautifulbaguette: u want to leave thomas and alex alone in a room whilst alex has a broken arm and dear tommy is full of egg rage

spam: sir SIR PLEASE

macaroniandcheeseitsme: On my way to the room. :-)

pants4ponies: rip alex

turdle: WHAT NO

georgethecuriousmonkey: you will both be courteous, alex will apologize, then thomas will gracefully accept the apology, and just like that its over

pants4ponies: we’ll tend to the wounded

ayengelica: count our dead

spam: NONONONO LAF HAS LEFT I AM UNPROTECTED I ONLY HAVE ONE ARM AND MY INCREDIBLE HAIR TO PROTECT ME

mom: u sound like bucky barnes

spam: NOW IS NOT THE TIME

macaroniandcheeseitsme: I’m outside the room. :-)

turdle: (in court) “so were there any signs of the imminent murder?”

turdle: “the smiley face’s nose, your honor. it conveyed his homicidal intentions in one single hyphen”

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Entering now! :-)

spam: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ayengelica: well its been two minutes since jefferson went in and no high pitched shrieks have been heard

turdle: CHUCKO FUCKO IS SUFFOCATING ALEX WITH THE HOSPITAL PILLOW

beautifulbaguette: three minutes and no dull thud of a body hitting the floor have been heard

turdle: TITTY MCTITS A LOT HAS THROWN ALEX'S BODY INTO THE OCEAN ALREADY

ayengelica: titty mctits a lot is not an insult john if anything that would be my formal title so how dare you

spam: I, Alexander DickFuck Hamilton, do not deserve the promotion and Thomas Jefferson is better than me on every single level of existence. I also have a dumb face. A big ol’, eggy, dumb face. 

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Lafayette you can return to the room I’m leaving. :-)

georgethecuriousmonkey: did the apology suffice? 

macaroniandcheeseitsme: It was poorly articulated and if put into writing would have far too many commas and run on sentences, but I’ll take it.

georgethecuriousmonkey: its over its finally over

turdle: BABE ARE YOU OKAY

mom: ALEX ARE YOU ALIVE

pants4ponies: ALEX IF YOU’RE DEAD U BETTER NOT FUCKING HAUNT ME BRO

spam: IM FINE BUT THAT GORGEOUS AND SMARTER THAN ME MAN JEFFERSON STOLE MY PHONE

spam: THAT GORGEOUS AND SMARTER THAN ME MAN JEFFERSON*******

spam: WHAT THE HECKEROONIE

spam: J E F F E R S O N *** 

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Don’t fret, ya’ll. Hamilton seems to have a bit of a boo-boo on his brain. And gracious, what a foul mouth!

turdle: what the fuck did u do to my boyfriend u deep sea cum guzzler

spam: milky dick he didnt touch me he only fucked with my phone

spam: milky dick**

spam: MILKY DICK*

pants4ponies: alex jesus just go into settings and undo the auto correct changes he made before i die from laughing

spam: YOU THINK EGG HAVENT THOUGHT OF THAT YET HERCTITTIES

spam: EGG****** HERCULES*************************

spam: I** NOT EGG WHAT THE FRICKITY DICKITY

spam: ITS FRICKITY DICKING HARD TO DO SHIT WITH ONE ARM HERCTITTIES

spam: WHAT THE FRICKITY DICKITY THE KEYBOARD SETTINGS ARE LOCKED THAT GORGEOUS AND SMARTER THAN ME MAN JEFFERSON UR FRICKITY DICKITY DEAD 

georgethecuriousmonkey: we were so close

spam: DADDY TIT DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS

spam: DADDY TIT**

spam: S I R I MEANT SIR

beautifulbaguette: mon petit lion at least he made ur vulgar language family friendly

spam: SUCKED YOUR DICK NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR FRICKITY DICKITY’S SAKE

spam: L A F******* I CANT FRICKITY DICKING DO THIS WITH ONE ARM

spam: SHOOT

spam: SHOOT SHOOT SHOOT WHAT THE HECKEROONIE

spam: THAT GORGEOUS AND SMARTER THAN ME MAN JEFFERSON UR A KING GEORGE

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Who has the impediment now, Hamilton?

spam: EGG AM GONNA FRICKITY DICK UR SHOOT UP I SWEAR TO JEFFERSON OUR LORD AND SAVIOR IM GONNA SLAP MYSELF WITH MY OWN KING GEORGE

spam: SLAP MYSELF WITH MY OWN KING GEORGE

spam: K I L L Y O U DUMBER THAN JEFFERSON IS GONNA K I L L Y O U

mom: alex ill translate for you

mom: um so ‘i am gonna fuck ur shit up i swear to god im gonna kill you’

spam: THANK YOU

turdle: did cock juggler just nickname my boyfriends penis king george

macaroniandcheeseitsme: I have an incredible dislike for the both of them. I also put in a shortcut for any synonym of dick to change to king george for the sake of your sexting. 

turdle: ur a cruel man

ayengelica: wait whats my name's shortcut

spam: REALLY? REALLY I AINT GONNA FUCK WIT YOU? YOU’RE CAPITALIZING ON THIS?

ayengelica: my shortcut is ‘i aint gonna fuck wit you’? good choice

mom: my turn!!!

spam: frickity dick all of you

spam: its you’re rich so we’re cool

spam: J E F F E R S O N YOU'RE AN ELITIST KING GEORGE

georgethecuriousmonkey: jesus christ 

georgethecuriousmonkey: alex and john you’re being released from hospital soon so im going to go home with my boyfriend and take a long fucking bath

spam: BUT DADDY TIT

georgethecuriousmonkey: no

georgethecuriousmonkey: nope no absolutely not im done

georgethecuriousmonkey: I'll see you all at the office tomorrow

beautifulbaguette: bye everyone!!!!

spam: ew no egg still think its weird that sucked your dick is dating daddy tit????

pants4ponies: well when you put it like that

georgethecuriousmonkey: OFFICE. TOMORROW. NINE AM.

spam: DADDY TIT PLEASE

georgethecuriousmonkey: DO NOT CONTACT ME TONIGHT OR I WILL BREAK YOUR OTHER ARM

ayengelica: honestly that was a little dramatic but after today you’ve earned it

beautifulbaguette: he’s earned something else too ;)

georegthecuriousmonkey has left the chat

beautifulbaguette has left the chat

macaroniandcheeseitsme: I’ve gotten a little bit of my revenge and I’m sated for now. See you tomorrow, Egg. 

macaroniandcheeseitsme has left the chat

spam: milky dick im so upset haven’t egg earnt your king george :(

mom: yeah im not translating that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this update is fucking enormous bc whenever i got upset abt lin and phillipa and leslie leaving i'd write some more fic and lets just say ive been very fucking upset
> 
> this fic is quickly dissolving into outright crack and im enjoying writing it but is it still fun to read?? This Big Titty thrives off ur feedback!! 
> 
> i have a wip lams fic with proper sentences and grammar awesome!! wow!! its in my works page!!
> 
> also i wrote some of this on my phone and I just want to let u know that ‘burritscoldinhere’ auto corrects to 'burrito lingerie’. that is all.


	7. E G G S

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HEEEEEEEEEERE’S TRASH!
> 
> also this fic hasn’t been/never will be abandoned this fic is my god damn fucking child and im not gonna play ding dong ditch with it on the dursely’s door step i aint dumbledore
> 
> ENJOY!!!! or dont its up to you i guess

macaroniandcheeseitsme has added burritscoldinhere and jmadzthesickest into the group chat

macaroniandcheeseitsme has changed the group chat name to: Expose Hamilton.

jmadzthesickest: jesus christ here we go

burritscoldinhere: What is this?

macaroniancheeseitsme: A new group chat! Burr, I need you. You’re intelligent, driven and too good to put up with what you must. Namely, Hamilton.

jmadzthesickest: babe im all for roasting hamilton but wtf is this about

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Read the title of the group chat, babe. We’re going to Expose Hamilton.

burritscoldinhere: …

burritscoldinhere: And how do you propose doing that, out of curiosity’s sake?

jmadzthesickest: chill with the neutrality burr we’re all on the same side

burritscoldinhere: I wasn’t aware I was on any side.

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Must get lonely out there in no man’s land, huh Burr? I know you refrain from taking action, but this isn’t taking anything. This is giving. We’re giving the Earth the gift of knocking dear old hammy down a few pegs.

jmadzthesickest: that’s some emotive shit right there

burritscoldinhere: And how exactly are you going to do that?

macaroniandcheeseitsme: Well…

**\---------------------------------------**

spam has added georgethecuriousmonkey and beautifulbaguette to the group chat

spam: OKAY TECHNICALLY IM NOT DISRUPTING UR WEEKEND HENCE U WONT BREAK MY OTHER ARM RIGHT SIR

pants4ponies: break his arm!!!!

spam: WHY ARE U ALL OUT TO HURT ME

georgethecuriousmoneky: what is it hamilton

georgethecuriousmonkey: and why were you late to the office today? I told you to be here at 9am after The Incident? and I’m glad to see your typing has returned to normal

spam: yeah the passcode to unlock the changes was ‘thomasjeffersonisbetter’ which if you ask me is spreading LIES and SLANDER

ayengelica: no one asked

turdle: i love that ur picking up on our linguistics sir

georgethecuriousmonkey: “Bitch me too the fuck!”

beautifulbaguette: I TAUGHT HIM THAT ONE

spam: im sorry im late sir there was a snorlax sir

mom: HOLY SHIT WHERE

spam: what team are you?

mom: mystic!!

spam: then its in my ass :) 

mom: surprised you could fit it up there what with how much room your head takes up :)

beautifulbaguette: NOOO DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES R SAD STOP IT

pants4ponies: i agree with laf alex stop being rude to ur benevolent mother she doesnt deserve this

spam: laf? idk who that is

beautifulbaguette: bitch…

spam: i once knew a laf

spam: but then they hooked up with my boss and didn’t tell me

spam: so now they’re dead to me :)

turdle: ya’ll its too early for this many passive aggressive smiley faces

beautifulbaguette: alex dont be a child

spam: woah my phone must be haunted because it says someone is typing and sending a message yet nothing pops up!

pants4ponies: alex ur so Extra

ayengelica: alex stop being a dramatic fool and a little bitch

beautifulbaguette: NOOO ANGELICA U R THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DEAL WITH HIM IN HIS PISS BABY STATE

turdle: imagine if piss baby state was a thing

turdle: like an entire state where piss babies live

mom: have you seen texas?

turdle: TRU!!!!!

spam: ANY! DAMN! WAY!

spam: sir i added you to the chat because i have suspicions

georgethecuriousmonkey: I swear to god hamilton it hasn’t even been twenty four hours since you tried to ignite flames within Thomas’ hair and you’re starting something else?

spam: NO SIR TRULY

spam: I SAW THE TRIO OF EVIL CONGREGATING EVILLY 

georgethecuriousmonkey: you saw three people who work together talking to one another?

spam: THERE WERE GLANCES AND MALEVOLENT WHISPERS

georgethecuriousmonkey: I left college years ago and thought those would be the last of my exams

geogethecuriousmonkey: yet every single day you test my patience

georgethecuriousmonkey has left the chat

spam: fuck

pants4ponies: WASHINGTON DID THAT!!!!

spam: whatever i’ll write him an essay he cant refuse that

pants4ponies: no but he can and probably will shove it up your ass

beautifulbaguette: nononon those are special privileges reserved for moi 

spam: just threw up a bit in my mouth

beautifulbaguette: honestly mon petit lion why are you being so juvenile about this

beautfiulbaguette: dear god alexander

beautifulbaguette: are you…how you say…

beautifulbaguette: JEALOUS?

spam: IM NOT

mom: its okay alex laf will still have time for you 

spam: NO

beautifulbaguette: aw alex why didnt you mention it?? you know i will always have a place in my heart for u <3

beautifulbaguette: but not in my ass

beautifulbaguette: it is reserved 

spam: IM NOT JEALOUS OKAY?

turdle: ohhh this explains so much

turdle: when laf said he couldnt come over and teach alex to make candles he got so mopey

spam: IM ALEXANDER HAMILTON! I DONT MOPE!

mom: but you do make candles?

spam: well i WOULDVE if laf wasnt TOO BUSY to be a good BEST FRIEND and teach me about the ART OF CANDLE MAKING

turdle: theeeere it is

beautifulbaguette: AW ALEXANDER MY EYES ARE FOGGY

beautifulbaguette: I PROMISE I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU OR YOUR CANDLE-LESS ASS

beautifulbaguette: how about i visit tonight and we can make a nice vanilla one? 

spam: …

spam: that would be nice

beautifulbaguette: IT IS A PLAN!

ayengelica: ugh i get ONE DAY OFF and have to deal with this family's drama

ayengelica: also is it really a good idea to involve alex in anything fire related? like? really?

turdle: we have a couple of little fire extinguishers after i tried to teach alex how to cook ill keep an eye on him and have 911 dialed

spam: john ur lack of faith hurts me :(

turdle: the truth tends to hurt babe

ayengelica: is that what ur outrageously expensive philosophy degree taught you

turdle: that and how to avoid having to do anything by yelling “MORALS ARE RELATIVE!”

spam: honestly he does that ALL THE TIME

spam: “john babe you’re hogging the blankets im cold” “MORALS ARE RELATIVE!”

mom: im crying he did that to me too

mom: “john you cant abduct dogs off the street no matter how cute they are” “MORALS ARE RELATIVE!”

pants4ponies: ya’ll that’s not even the worst of it

pants4ponies: he came into MY HOUSE, at ALL of MY FRUIT LOOPS

spam: you come into my house, eat my fruit loops,

pants4ponies: and when i threw the empty carton at his head and demanded he answer to his crimes

pants4ponies: you bet your sweet ass he just yelled

pants4ponies: “MORALS! ARE! RELATIVE!”

ayengelica: at work i told him he couldnt murder jefferson and for the next week found my office covered in sticky notes with that mantra

ayengelica: actually not even just the office

ayengelica: to this day i cant figure out how he broke into my car and stuck them in there

ayengelica: or how he got them on the ceiling

turdle: LEAVE ME ALONE

spam: I HELPED WITH THE CEILING THING

turdle: WE’RE THE DREAM TEAM

turdle: BAD TO THE BONE

turdle: BONNIE AND CLYDE

pants4ponies: you’re just as terrible as another it's like a dumpster fire and people just keep throwing bags of garbage in

mom: john you do know what happens to bonnie and clyde right

turdle: nah i never actually learnt about it nor finished the movie but

turdle: WE’RE HELLA IN LOVE AND KICK ASS TOGETHER

mom: no one tell him

turdle: what???

mom: please i cant watch his adorably freckled face look upset

turdle: you’re not even in the same building as me how can u see my face

spam: please eliza is so empathetic she’s practically clairvoyant to other ppls emotions

mom: its true i can visualize your sad frown so well im already on the verge of tears

beautifulbaguette: WAIT A DING DONG MINUTE

spam: rt to ban the phrase ding dong

turdle: DING DONG

pants4ponies: DING DONG!!!!!

ayengelica: DING DING DONG DONG

spam: i dont deserve this.

ayengelica: actually you kinda do

beautifulbaguette: LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT

mom: try it again laf

beautifulbaguette: WAIT A GOOGLY MOOGLY MINUTE

mom: yes laf?

spam: im waiting this googly moogly minute

spam: its a lot more googly and moogly than usual minutes

pants4ponies: today laf’s serving up a deconstructed minute, with a garnish of googly and a side of moogly

beautifulbaguette: alexander are we friends again? 

spam: yes laf as if i could stay mad at you and ur god damn floofy hair

beautifulbaguette: u r too sweet <3

beautifulbaguette: and since we are friends i am allowed to insult you again yes?

spam: no?

beautifulbaguette: ah, just like old times already!

turdle: ‘just like old times’ you mean yesterday?

pants4ponies: ya’ll were literally not talking for five minutes u overdramatic fools

ayengelica: i dont get paid enough to deal with this sheer fuckery

beautifulbaguette: HUSH

beautifulbaguette: have you all seen the newest meme?

beautifulbaguette: the oven one

pants4ponies: what

mom: laf do u mean the roast yourself challenge?

beautifulbaguette: YES!!

mom: I think its terrible :( there’s already so much negativity in this world why bring it upon yourself

beautifulbaguette: eliza you pure soul you are 100% correct

beautifulbaguette: which is why I believe we should do it as a team!

turdle: HELL YEAH

ayengelica: LETS START WITH ALEX

spam: WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

beautifulbaguette: for you are like a turkey

spam: excuse me

beautifulbaguette: easy to roast 

beautifulbaguette: also your sobs sound like the broken gobbles of turkeys

beautifulbaguette: the frightening large poultry not the country

pants4ponies: really don’t think you had to clarify that bro

ayengelica: missed the perfect opporunity to say that you'll be serving up some roasted ham

beautifulbaguette: SHIT ON MY TITS THATS SO MUCH FUNNIER

pants4ponies: nope. we're not addressing the fact laf just said 'shit on my tits'. move on. repress it.

ayengelica: i wanna start off by addressing alex's eye bags

beautifulbaguette: THEY ARE JUST LIKE THE TURKEYS

ayengelica: seriously alexander get some sleep you look like mr sandman gave you a fist fight instead of a dream

spam: E X C U S E M E

ayengelica: did i fucking stutter

ayengelica: i asked you to send me your draft for washington’s next speech and you sent me your think piece about the symbolic nature of marx’s beard

spam: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT OKAY

ayengelica: an accident made out of sleep deprivation you twit

pants4ponies: YES ANGELICA DRAG HIM

spam: OH U WANNA PLAY HORSE FUCKER

pants4ponies: GTG!

pants4ponies: hey wait where is our valiant meme hero?? has anyone heard from pegs since The Incident??

spam: DONT TRY AND CHANGE THE SUBJECT 

pants4ponies: IT WAS A FUCKING POP UP AD AND YOU KNOW IT YOU LITTLE SHIT

beautifulbaguette: i am not following?

ayengelica: laf do you seriously not know this story?

beautifulbaguette: what story??

turdle: the origin story of Hercules Mulligan: Horse Fucker

beautifulbaguette: no?? i always just assumed it was a cute nickname??

mom: i’ve never been to france but what kind of cute nickname…

spam: HOOOOOOOO MY GOD

spam: BUCKLE THE FUCK UP

spam: HANG ONTO YOUR REIGNS

pants4ponies: i hate you so much

spam: S O

spam: I WALK INTO HERC’S ROOM TO CHAT ABOUT THE FINANCIALLY WASTEFUL NATURE OF PLEBISCITES 

pants4ponies: believe it or not that’s not even the bad part of the story 

spam: BUT ALAS! DEAR HERC IS IN THE SHOWER!

spam: BUT WAIT! WHO SHOWERS AT THREE AM?!?

pants4ponies: judging by the grease on your head certainly not you

mom: herc always gets upset when we revisit this faithful day

pants4ponies: honestly im triggered

spam: NO ONE SHOWERS AT THREE AM IS THE ANSWER IM LOOKING FOR! UNLESS THEY ARE MASSAGING THEIR PET SNAKE, EXERCISING THEIR YOGURT SLINGER, YIELDING THEIR MIGHTY MEAT STICK,

turdle: beating their dead horse?

ayengelica: fljnhltkjrbkg 

spam: THIS IS WHY I FUCKING LOVE YOU JOHN

mom: guys have we not learnt the lesson about using euphemisms with laf?

beautifulbaguette: i am a little confused about why he was fighting deceased farm animals while jerking off but i understand the gist of it i think

pants4ponies: I WASNT FIGHTING DECEASED FUCKING FARM ANIMALS

pants4ponies: I WAS JUST JERKING OFF OKAY NO BESTIALITY OR NECROPHILIA INVOLVED 

pants4ponies: WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO SAY THAT I HATE THIS CHAT 

spam: THEN EXPLAIN

spam: WHY GIRLSFUCKHORSES.COM WAS LEFT OPEN ON YOUR LAPTOP

beautifulbaguette: sweet jesus everyone in this chat is going to hell 

turdle: tut tut hercules how gendered and heteronormative of you!

mom: yeah! why not peoplefuckhorses.com? THAT’S equality!

pants4ponies: ya’ll are starting to sound like my little pony bloggers with bios like “anti feminism, pro equality, white pride!”

turdle: you’d know a lot about my little pony bloggers huh horse fucker

pants4ponies: I WAS TORRENTING THE GREAT BRITISH BAKEOFF!! IT WAS A FUCKING POP UP AD!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU ALL

beautifulbaguette: u are forever uninvited to visiting my french estate

beautifulbaguette: McHorseFace and Elizabeth Bennett will not be put at danger

ayengelica: im sorry

ayengelica: you named your horses

ayengelica: McHorseFace and after a character from Pride and Prejudice?

turdle: the duality of man

spam: YESSS TIME TO ROAST LAF

pants4ponies: im all for roasting anyone asides from myself but i’d really like to clarify i have absolutely no interest in watching/participating in horse fucking

turdle: lock up ya horses laf

beautifulbaguette: Elizabeth Bennett the horse reminds me of you angelica

beautifulbaguette: we named her because she was like the character

beautifulbaguette: witty, intelligent, independent and strong willed

ayengelica: i was about to be like aww

ayengelica: but now im just so fucking concerned

ayengelica: as to how a HORSE can be witty and intelligent

beautifulbaguette: she is also funny like you!

spam: anyone else a bit concerned for laf’s sanity rn

beatifulbaguette: horses have personalities too alexander

beautifulbaguette: in fact McHorseFace reminds me of you

beautifulbaguette: he screams a lot

mom: i cnant do rthdis

spam: HOW THE FUC K

spam: CAN A HORSE SCREAM

beautifulbaguette: everyone is familiar with alex’s whisper screams yes?

turdle: at this point its like a third language to us

beautifulbaguette: well McHorseFace has nasal issues

mom: im literally in tears

beautifulbaguette: hence when he whinnies 

beautifulbaguette: it is a little horse scream

spam: thats it? thats what me and ur weird fucking asthmatic horse have in common?

beautifulbaguette: he also doesn’t like it when people are taller than him

beautifulbaguette: one time the stable hand forgot to scoot on her knees to feed him

beautifulbaguette: and he bit her chin

mom: i am in physical pain

beautifulbaguette: so was she he drew blood

spam: IM SO

spam: OFFENDED RIGHT NOW

ayengelica: that’s…that’s literally alex? im? oh my god? 

turdle: I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS????

turdle: WHY DOESN’T MCHORSEFACE LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE ARE TALLER THAN HIM?

beautifulbaguette: he is a horse john i do not know his ways

turdle: oh right you can tell that a horse is intelligent and witty how silly of me to think you'd know that

mom: so you’re telling me

mom: jesus give me a minute im typing through panted breaths

mom: that anyone who interacts with this horse

mom: has to be…smaller than it?

beautifulbaguette: just at a lower eye level

beautifulbaguette: really i don’t know why you are all struggling to understand? McHorseFace is odd but i love him

ayengelica: an accurate summary of alex

turdle: HOW DOES ONE GET BITTEN ON THE CHIN BY A HORSE?

beautifulbaguette: i have explained this? if you are taller than him

mom: KLJWHEFWLKETBHJG

turdle: IM WHEEZING

turdle: I MEANT

turdle: HOW DOES A HORSE BITE SOMEWHERE SO SPECIFIC

beautifulbaguette: with his mouth? and his little chompers? 

beautifulbaguette: that is a lie his chompers are large and hungry for flesh

ayengelica: also an accurate summary of alex

mom: TL;DR: LAFAYETTE OWNS DEMONIC FLESH EATING HORSE WITH MASCULINITY ISSUES

spam: herc you’ve been oddly quite

spam: your hands PREOCCUPIED PERHAPS?

pants4ponies: trust me alex if i would ever jerk off to horses it wouldn’t be to ones that remind me of you

mom: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO W R E C K E D

pants4ponies: i just don’t wanna get dragged into a horse discourse

spam: STOP TRYING TO REFRAIN FROM OPINIONS!!!! BURR WILL SUE!!!! HE’S A TRUST FUND BABY HIM AND HIS LAWYERS WILL COME FOR YOU!!!!!

beautifulbaguette: geroge wants me to tell you all not to forget about the meeting in five minutes

beautifulbaguette: honestly do you even do your jobs?

spam: WHERE DO YOU EVEN WORK LAF?!?!?

beautifulbaguette: did you see my eyeliner today? im out here doing god’s work

mom: TRU!!!!

ayengelica: HE AINT WRONG!!!

spam: we didn’t even get to drag john or the schuyler's wtf

turdle: 1. you wouldnt dare try to come for me considering you need me to come

pants4ponies: D E S T R O Y E D

turdle: and 2. we only have 2/3 of the schuyler's

mom: oh uh yeah about that

spam: YOU KNOW WHERE PEGGY IS?!?!?!

ayengelica: sister stuff

ayengelica: but we’ll talk about it after the meeting alright?

beautifulbaguette: have fun! pretend not to notice the love marks on george’s neck!

spam: yet IM the one who apparently resembles the horse with large chompers that hunger for flesh?

pants4ponies: have i mentioned that i fucking hate this chat?

beautifulbaguette: see you after the meeting my loves!! or in hell!! whichever comes first <3

**\---------------------------------------**

macaroniandcheesesitsme: So we’ll initiate it during the meeting in five, right?

burritscoldinhere: I guess so.

jmadzthesickest: it boutta be lit like hamilton’s flaming greasy head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (burr voice) sweet jesus
> 
> i hope u enjoyed it!! comments are my main motivation for this fic tbh ur all so kind thank u sm for keeping my skin clear, my crops watered, my sleep schedule utterly fucked,
> 
> (seriously tho your feedback means the world to me!!)
> 
> I HAVE A PROPER LAMS FIC GO TO MY WORKS PAGE PLEASE READ IT IT ISNT TERRIBLE I PROMISE


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